lazy

should stop writing angsty crap on here. i'm not sure if i'm so tired because i'm sick or exhausted, or if i'm just being lazy because i'm depressed, or what.

what to do?!

even caffeine doesn't help if i can't be stuffed to have any.

:(

i'm an ulcer
i don't get better, i only make you hurt

i have to stop this but i don't know how, the only way i can think of is to disappear

last year

i wish i wish i wish i'd made more of new college, and not failed shit, and not been so stupid

gah, i suck. so does regret.

lists

to do:
euro essay (10 days late)
andrew's assignment (no-one else will)
ancient essay - friday
java assignment - next friday
euro reading - tomorrow
ancient reading - tomorrow
print out the rest of my readings, because it's annoying to always print it on the day
buy credit
convince rads im not going to kill myself
convince self not to kill self
that should do it

i'm so sorry:
useless
whingy
failing
nasty
lazy
quitter
attention-seeking
greedy
cutter
psycho

i'm an unbearable drag on everyone i know

i can't go to sleep, i have to stay online. it's not that i'm tired, i just don't want to be awake

i could never live on my own

shut up head

tired of thinking... and tired of doing things without thinking, and then realising that i'm completely insane

i had a nightmare about this

clairesie is silly. bad clairesie. must not be silly. must not be silly.

msn

today, since i woke up, both times i've been away from msn for more than an hour, i've either got a message asking when i'll be back, or come back to someone in tears

isn't it nice to feel needed...

:(

but you know what, von, i tried that thing you said, praying before bible study, and it really really helped. thank you.

mope

strangely conscious of the fact that i am in no physical pain right now (as usual)... and hating it. what makes me so special?

she just looked so sad and tired today... i can't bear it, von. i wish i could just... spontaneously combust and take everyone's problems with me. i really honestly wish that. if i could, i wouldn't even stop to think about it.

but what use is compassion, in itself? just someone feeling sad because someone they love is sad too. it's all negative energy. and if the person they love knows how much their problems affect their friend, THEY feel bad. it's definitely better than not caring... but still, it doesn't really help anything...

and i'm pretty sure i'm getting too paranoid and mother-hen-ish over rads. in a way it's that or panicking... but i really really hope im not TOO annoying. i need to give her a bit of space too. yargh. silly clairesie.

praying is good. should do it more often.

dear God...

please be with R.. please give her strength.. please make her happy.. please don't let her feel alone.. please make them be nice to her.. please help her to sleep.. please make her better.. please let her know that people are thinking of her, praying for her, hoping she's okay, counting down the hours till she'll be in sydney and away from them...

please take care of R.. please keep her safe.. please keep her safe.. please keep her safe.. please give her strength.. please make them be nice to her.. please don't let him ever have anything to do with her again.. please don't let her feel alone.. please help her to sleep peacefully.. please help her to think of nice things.. please make her well..

please look after A.. please make her happy.. please guide her.. please keep her from getting paranoid.. please help her family to get along, and to say supportive things, and to not say things which she might misinterpret or overanalyse..

i'm so sorry that this prayer is only 'please's, that every prayer is only 'please's.. i'm so sorry that i say thoughtless things.. i'm so sorry that i don't know what to say.. i'm so sorry that i'm not kind to him.. i'm so sorry i'm so weak.. i'm so sorry i was reluctant to stay with her, and that i would prefer to sleep sometimes than talk to other her.. i'm sorry i'm so lazy and self-indulgent.. i'm so sorry i hardly talk to You, and when i do, get distracted or go off on tangents..

but please.. You're the only one who can help them..

thank You for listening

love claire

amen

wouldn't trust my head if i were me

something i need to remember...

if i trust my friends' opinions more than my own, on the grounds that they are wiser, smarter, and more awesome in general than i am...

then i need to hold that true for everything.

including what i think of myself.

so it doesn't MATTER how convincing my head can be. it's wrong if other people say it is.

...it took ages to get this to be not-incoherent... :P

haven't blogged in ages...

hmm... i'm tired a lot. maybe i didn't get enough sleep last night. i don't know.

'fessed-up to Rads last night, about the promise i broke... so glad i did. she convinced me it was ok, that she didn't hate me, that even if i break the promise again she won't be mad or not want to be friends with me (i dunno how i convinced myself otherwise, but holy crap i was scared...) and it was just... all ok. she is... an angel. i dunno how else she does it. but yeah, that was a load off... hehe. i wish i could comfort people like she can. heh, i wish i could comfort HER that well...

Von i know you're worried about people. there's like no way you could not be. please rant if you want. PLEASE. i rant so much at you. and i'm worried that you're worried. who CARES if maybe i worry more cos i know more stuff first hand about people or whatevs. that just means it's ok if you rant at me because i probably know it anyway. and if it's something i don't already know, i'll never bring it up unless you do, and never with anyone other than you.

maybe clairesie's just a little paranoid... but she can't quite understand the idea of a friend who isn't sad or stressed out for some reason... that's sad in itself, isn't it... meep.

anyway, byebye :)

eiunnasl;kjf

hello

meep

dearohdear

looking forward to sunday! :)

.....................................................................argh :( :( :( :( :(

hehehe. no, seriously, clairesie is heavier. that's ok, healthyness and lots of bike rides will help. clairesie will probably feel way happier, too, and sleep better and all that stuff. yay! looking forward to holidays...

byee.......

mip

:(

feels like getting upset would help... but then i'm upset and all by myself, that's great fun...

clairesie is sorry for posting such stupid crappy things to disturb the von. clairesie will be better when she fixes lifestyle etc. being tired and eating bad food makes people depressed, everyone know that. holidays will fix things.

and alice is stressed... i was going to pretend i wasn't online (see, i'm a horrible girl, some people would be surprised) but didn't, probably lucky huh...

hehehe college food... today it seemed to be based around a theme of 'rice'. rice as always at the vegetables end of the servery, then the vegetarian dish was in fact rice with a few mushrooms, and dessert was apparently rice pudding.

also

hahaha just an addition to that last post, though....
what's the bet clairesie falls over at some point during this 9 hour shift? hehehehe
...not that funny, really. i'm sure no-one else would find it funny. as funny as i do, anyway. maybe i am insane. maybe rads is right to be freaked out.

no, rads is never right to be freaked out. cos that could have a bad effect on her. ditto von.

*coughDOUBLESTANDARDMUCH?!?!?!?!?!cough*

yes, clairesie, that's nice. good day to you.

eww

clairesie's got fat
pretty sure that's related to the HUNDRED THOUSAND ENERGY DRINKS SHES CONSUMED THIS WEEK
no more of those. ...well, after monday arvo.
ewwwwwwwwwwwww :( :( :(

good. another reason to quit with the crazyshizzle. looking forward to detoxing from caffeine in holidays, because with no chocolate and no energy drinks... why, clairesie might even start to look like a human-shaped blob again! twill be exciting.

ARGH MCDONALDS it would've been better if i'd kept the 8-3am shift, instead of this one that starts at 6am. at least then it would've been just the one allnighter.......... i mean.... what.......? nah s'ok, not a real double allnighter. ooh! in 36 hours clairesie can come back to college and sleep!!! EXCITEMENT!!!!! omgomgomg. omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg. i should clean my room now so that my hibernation can occur in a pleasant environment. cos i won't get anything done in like half an hour now. silly clairesie for wasting so much time... anyway, yes. good morning! happy sunday!

ALSO... i'm in canberra for the family and friends service next sunday! that's exciting too :) tee hee. anyway, going now, bye!

worried? nooooooooo...

eek why is she worried about me? :(

caffeine never killed anyone unless they meant it to. lethal dose is 80 cups of coffee. you don't accidentally have that much. i mean, ew. and this has been a learning experience. eat too much nodoz -> feel like puking in the morning. i didn't know that before. now i do. and now all my nodoz is in the bin, too.

anyway.. 'going through so much shit'... am i? really? ...that she knows about?
*suspicious* rads? are you reading this? argh people and their knowledge...

I. AM. FINE. PLEASE BELIEVE THAT, EVERYONE. I WHINGE A LOT. I MAKE BIG DEALS OUT OF NOTHING. THAT IS WHAT I DO, BECAUSE I WANT ATTENTION. YES? YES.

just because i never plan to sleep doesn't mean i don't.
just because i rarely plan to eat doesn't mean i don't.
just because i work strange hours doesn't mean i don't have time for anything (though if i'm avoiding you, why yes, it does. but that doesn't apply to anyone who might be reading this.)
just because i get upset doesn't mean i'm always sad. crazy mood swings, anyone?
just because i've been having a lot of caffeine lately doesn't mean that i'm permanently addicted, or that it's going to hurt me, or even that i sleep or eat less than i should.
my face is pale purely because i've been in my room for the last few days
i have spots because i've been living on junk food
my legs hurt when i was half-running to the exam (a freaking long way away) because i haven't done any exercise in far too long
i'm nervous or anxious a lot because of too much caffeine and stress from exams/everything
i'm upset sometimes from that. who isn't?
my back's sore cos my shoulders live next to my ears at the moment
i talk a lot on the internet because i don't talk much to people here

is any of that particularly worrying?

...but ok, yeah, i'm losing the plot a little bit. not badly enough that people should worry about me. i know what to do to get back on track, and i'm going to. i'll be alright, i promise. sometimes, yeah, i get a bit messed up, but i notice, and work out that i should do something about it. always eventually.

i'm so sorry, though. SO sorry. i can't explain how much. i honestly am very angry at myself for making people worry. yargh.

not that angry, though. it's ok. just angry enough to do something about it.

sorry :(