shut up head

tired of thinking... and tired of doing things without thinking, and then realising that i'm completely insane

i had a nightmare about this

clairesie is silly. bad clairesie. must not be silly. must not be silly.

msn

today, since i woke up, both times i've been away from msn for more than an hour, i've either got a message asking when i'll be back, or come back to someone in tears

isn't it nice to feel needed...

:(

but you know what, von, i tried that thing you said, praying before bible study, and it really really helped. thank you.

mope

strangely conscious of the fact that i am in no physical pain right now (as usual)... and hating it. what makes me so special?

she just looked so sad and tired today... i can't bear it, von. i wish i could just... spontaneously combust and take everyone's problems with me. i really honestly wish that. if i could, i wouldn't even stop to think about it.

but what use is compassion, in itself? just someone feeling sad because someone they love is sad too. it's all negative energy. and if the person they love knows how much their problems affect their friend, THEY feel bad. it's definitely better than not caring... but still, it doesn't really help anything...

and i'm pretty sure i'm getting too paranoid and mother-hen-ish over rads. in a way it's that or panicking... but i really really hope im not TOO annoying. i need to give her a bit of space too. yargh. silly clairesie.

praying is good. should do it more often.

dear God...

please be with R.. please give her strength.. please make her happy.. please don't let her feel alone.. please make them be nice to her.. please help her to sleep.. please make her better.. please let her know that people are thinking of her, praying for her, hoping she's okay, counting down the hours till she'll be in sydney and away from them...

please take care of R.. please keep her safe.. please keep her safe.. please keep her safe.. please give her strength.. please make them be nice to her.. please don't let him ever have anything to do with her again.. please don't let her feel alone.. please help her to sleep peacefully.. please help her to think of nice things.. please make her well..

please look after A.. please make her happy.. please guide her.. please keep her from getting paranoid.. please help her family to get along, and to say supportive things, and to not say things which she might misinterpret or overanalyse..

i'm so sorry that this prayer is only 'please's, that every prayer is only 'please's.. i'm so sorry that i say thoughtless things.. i'm so sorry that i don't know what to say.. i'm so sorry that i'm not kind to him.. i'm so sorry i'm so weak.. i'm so sorry i was reluctant to stay with her, and that i would prefer to sleep sometimes than talk to other her.. i'm sorry i'm so lazy and self-indulgent.. i'm so sorry i hardly talk to You, and when i do, get distracted or go off on tangents..

but please.. You're the only one who can help them..

thank You for listening

love claire

amen

wouldn't trust my head if i were me

something i need to remember...

if i trust my friends' opinions more than my own, on the grounds that they are wiser, smarter, and more awesome in general than i am...

then i need to hold that true for everything.

including what i think of myself.

so it doesn't MATTER how convincing my head can be. it's wrong if other people say it is.

...it took ages to get this to be not-incoherent... :P