i dont want to decide :(

i have to make a decision by friday.
...
well i could just apply regardless. like i can always turn down stuff. it's still done by uai, which is good, cos i'm pretty sure i'm going to fail some stuff :S
...
but now i'm not so sure i want to leave
...
but that's the most selfish disgusting thing in the world. i have to come back. for mum, among other people.
...
but what if that means i'm abandoning people here, who have started maybe to need me a little more than before?
...
and i don't have a clue what ~i~ want to do. which is good, cos i don't care. if i did something wrong by someone else in favour of what i wanted to do, it would be pointless, cos i couldn't live with myself.
...
and it's arrogant to think that i matter so much to people that stuff like this should require so much deliberation.
...
*overthinks everything to a ridiculous degree*
...
*is an idiot*
...
oh whatever, claire, stop being a fool.

i'd kind of like to.. stay till the end of the year, and move back then.. i think. but i don't have a clue. honestly, i can't imagine permanently living at home again...

crap, now i just want to crawl into a hole and cry, and i have to finish this ghastly computing assignment that's a million years late...
[shut up, stupid claire, no-one wants to hear your bullshit]
i wish my head would stop saying that. even though it's true, it's still annoying.
...
ARGH
...
(all done);

bit tired

argh! my computer died! it's quite, QUITE, the sad. pretty much my whole life (since year 10) is stored on a failed hard drive. this makes me a little upset, and a little angry at myself for not backing up. BACK UP YOUR PRECIOUS FILES! NOW! PLEASE! and make sure that all of your music is copied onto cds somewhere.

just feeling a bit nothingish, really. not really caring that i'm going to fail stuff cos i'm not even sure i'll be here next semester and it probably won't count... and i don't want to go in the middle of the year any more, i think, i'd rather stay all year... but now seems like there are other things affecting that, and so... yeah. ignoring everything. other people's problems are enough to distract me from this crap anyway.

am tired and feel a bit sick. that could be because i've literally been living on chocolate and caffeine for rather a while. in fact that's almost definitely the reason. silly clairesie.

tis rahul's birthday today, i think the group's going out tonight. haven't been out in ages, mum'll probably ring and be like ARGH WHERE ARE YOU GET BACK TO COLLEGE NOW and that'll be awful and hmm. and i should be online to talk to people. or at least sober to msg people :P but i haven't been out with the group in ages...

oh, and have been sleeping crappily lately. but i already told you that. possibly due to tendency to fall asleep in front of computer when all the lights are on and i'm full of caffeine. but again, i'm not quite sure about that :P

stressstressstress i wish everyone didn't have millions of problems all the time.. some people, some people just need a break, just a little while where everything goes ok and people are nice to them and they can sleep and everything... (2 people in mind who have the same name)

crap i have work soon and this assignment isn't done... screw it, i'll finish it tomorrow. whatever. yes, i know i shouldn't go out and let an assignment be a day late because of it. but i really don't care.

the things i care about, i can't do anything about, and the things i can do something about, i don't care. claire is stupid. that is all. hehehe. need to start caring about this stuff though, failing is bad. eek.

stuff (and nonsense) :P

the most amazing, thought-provoking, just-incredible fanfic. it's not even really a story, just a bunch of little glimpses. it's by 'nelras', and the link is http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3268491/1/

some of the sentences make me squirm from thinking. they lend such a depth to the characters..

Beggar
It is the first and last time Draco will ever beg, with his hand
offered as he stood on the step just above the one Harry was standing
on.

...

Ill
Seeing the dirt-smeared Boy Who Lived sobbing over a
classmate’s body can hardly be classified as the worst Madame Maxine has been
exposed to, so of course, it must be her natural aversion to grime that is
making her stomach churn.

...

Quiet
After Luna tells Harry about what happened to her mother, she has
the uncomfortable experience of rendering someone completely silent without
meaning to. It reminds her of why she prefers to read books downside up.

...

Unclear
Percy spent two weeks at the end of one summer looking for his
Prefect badge and his school robes- when he demanded to know where they were,
the twins had been exasperatingly vague. For some reason, his robes smelled
rather strongly of his mother’s old hope chest when he found them draped across
his bed two days before the start of the term.

...

Zenith
No one remembers it after she dies, but Lily had always had a
tendency to turn on pieces of classical music only to shut them off as soon as
they reached their crescendos.

all from 'Glances' by nelras, the link's up the top, i hope she wouldn't mind me quoting that..

and then some of them make one wonder.. what could that possibly mean? eee i love finding fanfiction that makes me think..

bummed with rads on weekend twas LEEET happyhappyhappy

saskia's lost almost 5 kg since i first spoke to her though, shes 49 or so... and she wants to get down to 39.. eek
*reminds self that i can't really do anything about it* *reminds self that self is not even trying, due to putting uni and other people above her*

*has general sense of failing everyone lately, not just from that, though that's part of it*
mumlittleradssaskiaevenme and probably a bazillion other people who i'm so stupid and careless i can't even remember

sigh. nope, clairesie's fine. tis all good. merh. meep

strangely happy for 7 in the morning

i am strangely, amazingly, illogically, disturbingly happy, considering it's 7am, my computing assignment's due at midnight and i haven't started, and i've practically been up all night. all week, for that matter, give or take a bit.

i think i know why though. or at least, i know what i'm going to attribute it to. see, i was helping someone with something, because they were upset stressed out just couldn't cope. i told her to just send it to me, i'd do it. the fact that she agreed almost straight away is a testament to how bad a state she was in. but see, i can't trust clairesie to stay awake. not for her assignments, not even for group assignments. so clairesie prayed that she wouldn't fall asleep till this person's work was done.

twice, she did fall asleep. but each time, only for about 10 minutes, and when she awoke she felt amazingly refreshed.. you know, like, doze off in maths one afternoon and somehow you go from practically-comatose to awake-till-3-the-next-morning? that kind of sleep. and not even feeling gross afterwards, or anything. and somehow subconsciously made self get up off bed after that happened the first time, go wash face etc, until was awake properly.

and the thing got finished (took way longer than it should have, and was probably utter crap, but hey, i don't know anything about King Charles any more, i had to do a lot of research..) and it's sent, at dawn like i promised, and clairesie has had shower and washed hair and feels great, and... yeah...

hmm. just wanted to share that with someone. thinking 'wow, i asked God for that, and got it', on such a short-term based thing, it's just.. you really notice. and when the consequences could have been pretty bad (letting her down etc, she having to spontaneously write something before 10 instead of just de-crappifying something before 10)

... :D

...oh yeah, computing assignment, oops :P meh, it'll be ok

meep

sometimes you hear something that's so (effing~) intense
and you start to imagine it
and you're like... holy crap... and turn your earphones up way louder to distract yourself
and then you realise that this actually happened
and that this actually happened to someone
and that this actually happened to someone who you're

[procrastinating]

talking to

[because what the hell can you even say to that?]

and you're like... i'm a self-centred piece of crap

[but somehow knowing that doesn't help you reply more usefully]

...

and then the phone rings and you're like.. argh best timing ever bori..
but after a while of stressing that you're on the phone and can't multitask
you're like... almost... grateful...
GOTO line 10

silly silly shut up claire

ok so that last post was actually pretty arrogant. 'i've read all this stuff on the internet about all these people so clearly i must be able to do something that takes years to get a degree in'. mmhmm.

really, my whole attitude is arrogance. 'just because no-one else in the world can do it doesn't mean i can't...' and then having expectations of myself to match, which inevitably results in, well, a feeling of failure, funnily enough, when i too fail to accomplish the impossible.

silly clairesie. 'stop being arrogant and stuck-up', she must say, when she notices that she would never expect anyone else to do what she expects of herself. actually, it should work. 'arrogant' and 'uncaring' are the two adjectives that make clairesie cringe and mope most. she will avoid doing things that might be considered so.

somuchworksomuchworksomuchworkARGH. next week, i am actually going to die. please don't be surprised if i do. i'm really sorry, but i am actually pretty sure that i'll manage to either make myself horribly sick or fail a course, some time in wk 11. most likely both, cos i'll get sick and still try to do stuff. that'll be fun. calculustest databaseassignment computingoral (i know, wtf..?) computingtute discretemathstest computingassignment and i bet there's more.

we have this HORRIBLE computing assignment that lasts for like 4 weeks, like there's a part due every friday till the end of term. WTF WHO CAME UP WITH THAT ARE THEY TRYING TO KILL US ahem.

and my tummy hurts :( quite a bit but not as much as last friday. that's weird... this time last week, i was in hospital... crazy. probably dehydration. or chocolate withdrawal symptoms, since i've been eating it constantly till today.

anorexia. i could definitely get enough of this topic.

(von, i don't expect you to read all of this... it's more a 'clairesie sorting out thoughts' than a 'von must know all of this'... but, you know, if you're really bored, feel free... :P)

f*ck

saskia's getting pretty sick

not horribly-thin-wise (my height, low 50s), but.. she can't bring herself to eat any more, and is so utterly convinced that she's ugly and fat...

and the less she ate the worse she felt, last time we talked

and the time before, she was feeling a little better... argh

when someone has a psychological problem, it's different to medical. medical, you need knowledge and understanding, to understand what's wrong, knowledge of how the body works and how something could've gone wrong, and also knowledge of how to fix it. but you also need medicines, or operating tools, or whatever.

i would never expect myself to be able to cure a medical problem.

psychological though, with the exception of antidepressants or antipsychotic drugs (and here we're venturing into medical mental problems, chemical imbalance, different from thought-pattern-type-things..)...
psychological problems can only really be dealt with using the knowledge and understanding.

so here's the thing. i've done a ridiculous amount of research on various psychological things relevant to people i care about, particularly on eating disorders, self-harm, and nightmares etc. i've also spent a fair amount of time looking at forums and support sites for eating disorders and self-harm, and even some pro-ana stuff. i'm also, excuse me blowing my own horn, but i believe i'm a fairly empathetic girl, or at least i have a pretty good imagination. so i have a lot of knowledge about this stuff, and (i think) a fair degree of understanding. in some cases, perhaps more understanding than some psychologists, who've only looked at textbooks..

so why am i so ridiculously useless at helping people? why am i still left with 'you need to talk to someone...' which i clearly didn't say, because she wouldn't listen and probably just distance herself from me. cos it does sound like 'i can't help you, go be someone else's problem', just a bit...

'i'm fat n ugly'

'no ur not! ur beautiful and so thin, i wish i was as thin as u'

'thnx but im really not'

'u so are!' etc (this isn't a real quote btw, but general gist)

so on the topic of 'saskia's fat and ugly' i'm reduced to an 'are not' 'am too' 'are not' 'am too' conversation. i fail at life.

well after a bit it seemed pointless, i said instead something about her being a really sweet girl and i wish she was happier, that turned into a bit of the same as above (except 'are too' 'am not' :P), though like in both instances i was backing up my side, she was just like 'thnx but im really not'... but i mean it hardly matters, what matters is how she feels, and reassurance and stuff can only do so much for her. also, i'm some really nice person on the net but i've never seen her in real life and i've spoken to her like 4 times, so i guess if she doesn't think i'm the most convincing source in the world on her personal and physical qualities, i sort of understand hehe.

there must be something i can say that will help. i've read half the stuff on the internet on anorexia, and that's a crapload. i've read rants, diaries, other random forum posts, by some people who are so sick everyone frantically asks after them when they don't go online for a few days. and by some people who are just going through day by day, hating themselves, starving themselves, or throwing up multiple times a day. and some people who go on anorexia sites and are like 'hey i need to lose 20 lb for da summer how do i get anroexia? i need 2 b thinn!!!1' and that's just really disturbingly sad and weird. some have been hurt, many have problems with their mother, many are gymnasts or dancers, some are just randoms who hate themselves for some reason or no reason and this is how it shows.

some have been in IP (inpatient) several times. others never have - either they're too good at fooling, or don't live near friends/family, or they just manage to never get that sick. some cut or burn, some have attempted suicide or want to, some use drugs, some have diabetes and screw with their insulin to lose weight, many have health problems of some kind, and all are really sad for some reason. some weigh approximately nothing, many are underweight or normal weight, some are over or obese (generally the other EDs though). a lot are in college/highschool, some are younger, some are mothers. they're all really kind to each other, invariably. not to someone they think is a troll, and sometimes a comment is made that's true and needed to be said even though the recipient might not want to hear it, but otherwise...

surely reading all this must give me a bit of insight. but no, i can't help anyone. mum has a friend who's anorexic. he quite obviously weighs less than i do, never eats and rides his bike everywhere. mum asked me for advice. (what's wrong with that sentence? mum asked me for advice on how to help this guy at uni who's anorexic... well there's nothing wrong with it, but you know, there are more common situations hehe)

i think the point of this blog was, i know i'm expecting more of myself in a night than what is expected of a psychologist over months. there is nothing i can say to this girl that will cure her anorexia. there's hardly anything i can say that will even make her feel better, because nothing i can say can change her appearance which is there with her all the time.

i can't make her better and, as usual, it's driving me insane... hehe :P

i should go to sleep i guess. thanks for listening.

ARGH IE7 IS THE DEVIL

[rant]

ok, so generally when a program automatically downloads itself, installs itself, and then stops you from using your computer as well as you could before, you'd call that a VIRUS, wouldn't you...

but microsoft clearly know everything about everything, particularly that you REALLY want to spontaneously install the new version of IE whether or not you THINK you do.

and also that the maths part of the UNSW course website is actually a phishing site or somehow insecure because it has the wrong certificate, so it should clearly BLOCK it...

and then refer you to help, which isn't even displayed on the toolbar any more, it's off on some extension bit you have to search for, and then the gist of the help file is 'we know better than you. if we block something, clearly it's trying to kill you. anything without a valid certificate or with an error of any description was actually made by al Qaeda and/or Satan. just trust us. you don't have to think ever again, nice microsoft will protect you and make you feel nice and safe and warm while we steal your soul and your ability to think for yourself. even if you used to go to this site all the time before, and it was made by your university, don't be fooled. your computer will spontaneously combust if you look at it now. also, here, have this paper spoon so it won't hurt you if you stick it in your eye.'

[/rant]

ok so maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration. and then after a bit the bar at the top came up letting me view the site anyway, thank goodness, i thought i would have to revert my computer to a week ago to get rid of this stupid thing.

but what's annoying is that it didn't even ask me if i wanted to install this. i just shut down my computer, it said it was installing updates, nothing about a whole new program update. with tabs that it clearly stole from firefox. how did they not get sued over that?

anyway, yes, done :P

pri has convinced me...

that health should be at least a moderate concern in one's life.
so... will write down stuff, so i'm sort of vaguely accountable maybe. just till i get bored hehe.

slept at 3, woke at 8, dozed till about 10 though.
ate a green apple and a little olive bread roll (yum) and took capsules a bit after 11
drank half a mtfranklin size bottle of water

and now i'm going to study. will have lunch around 1 30 so i can take capsules with it and it won't be too soon after 'breakfast' hehe. and am probably going to dinner with family at pizza place, which won't be so healthy.. maybe i can get away with a salad or something. we'll see.

will update later :P

ooer...

interesting day today
tell me when you'll be online, better to explain in 'person' rather than just leave a blog about it.. you'll understand when i tell you, hehe.
everything's ok. just an interesting experience. pri has yelled at me about it extensively hehe..

whoa..

xanga-hopping...

came across a strange one all about anorexia, with like thinspiration and everything..
opened the 'diary' link and the last post is 'i'm sorry to have to tell you all this, but jenni has died' (jenni being the xanga-owner..)

the second last post is words to the effect of 'this is jenni's ana buddy. jenni's in hospital, she was hit by a car because she was so vague and they don't know if she'll make it because she was already so sick...'

the third last post was presumably jenni herself, talking about how she thinks she's going to have to try and put on a bit of weight because she weighs 89lb, has pressure sores, and has been shaking for weeks..

so sad.. she might have got a bit better, and avoided it all, but..

dearohdear. dearohdearohdear. poor girl :(


mum was asking my advice on what to do about this guy in her building at the uni who's pretty clearly anorexic (as in, looks literally like a skeleton, rides a bike everywhere, and never eats anything..)
...what can you do? unless you prove him legally insane, which one probably could do, but.. though, i guess, to save a life..

interestingness

today went to unsw christian students (aka christian stalker society, cos they ring me when i don't turn up :P). usually go on wednesdays, but couldn't cos of ridiculous amount of maths to be learnt. which didn't end up being learnt. that was sad. but anyway, i digress..

they've been looking at the properties of manna since the start of the year, and it's really quite interesting. what happens is this guy gives a sort of a lecture for about 40 minutes (but he's a really good speaker, it's interesting) and then we start talking about stuff in groups, and eventually.. like when i left today they were talking about horse books they used to read hehe.

BUT if i can get to the point without any further tangents...
one of the properties of manna is apparently that it's transparent, like an eye. and apparently we're meant to strive to be completely transparent and honest and so on, fair enough.. but by extension, it's wrong to hide problems and to pretend stuff's ok etc. ..huh? and they were saying people hide things like that because they're being prideful, and want to think they're special, and want to keep some part of themselves hidden from the world.

mum keeps telling me it's horrible of others to tell me their problems. (it is at those times that i *ahem* disagree with my mother's point of view, and hold her in perhaps less esteem than i should...) she says that sharing stuff just makes everyone else miserable. and i mean that attitude's clearly doing her a lot of good, cos she's so, you know, emotionally healthy and so on. but... ARGH. surely it's not 'being prideful' to decide 'they probably don't want to know this' when deciding whether to answer 'ok' or 'shit' to a casual 'how are you'...

i'm exaggerating. and i've contradicted myself several times. and i still don't know what point i'm trying to make. just, you know, thinking, hehe

and.. i mean.. telling peeps about probs is good, i think.. like, clearly, there's heaps of examples...


and i'm really sorry but i'm far too vague to continue writing this, i've lost track of everything i was saying and can't be bothered to read it all. so perhaps a revision, or a part 2, tomorrow...

erg

(tuesday night/wednesday morning sometime. before 2am.)
von... clairesie's weird... and sad... and insane... and she misses everyone, a lot, and feels quite alone here, but can't honestly say she'd be a lot happier anywhere else, (edit: all the time, certainly being around friends would help at times) and... sigh.

saying that clairesie feels like this all the time would be a lie.

(wednesday at 11 35pm)
thank goodness...
clairesie woke up at 7 and still felt awful, fell asleep again just in time for her maths lecture hehe
dunno what was wrong. like apart from msgs, and peeps being sick, but.. that's not that unusual, and clairesie isn't usually that bad. how strange.

...claire, it doesn't matter how many times you test it, when hand attacks kneebone, kneebone is inevitably going to win. and hand will look inappropriate if you don't get rid of that reflex. bad reflex. bad.

i'm such a caffeine emo :P this happened so often in yr 12, i'd drink too much coffee, feel awful, and go to sleep (or half-sleep occasionally when caffeine was sufficient) just so i didn't have to be awake. hence so little schoolwork got done hehe. and hence bori pulled more real allnighters than i did in semester 2. weird, huh.