msn

today, since i woke up, both times i've been away from msn for more than an hour, i've either got a message asking when i'll be back, or come back to someone in tears

isn't it nice to feel needed...

:(

but you know what, von, i tried that thing you said, praying before bible study, and it really really helped. thank you.

mope

strangely conscious of the fact that i am in no physical pain right now (as usual)... and hating it. what makes me so special?

she just looked so sad and tired today... i can't bear it, von. i wish i could just... spontaneously combust and take everyone's problems with me. i really honestly wish that. if i could, i wouldn't even stop to think about it.

but what use is compassion, in itself? just someone feeling sad because someone they love is sad too. it's all negative energy. and if the person they love knows how much their problems affect their friend, THEY feel bad. it's definitely better than not caring... but still, it doesn't really help anything...

and i'm pretty sure i'm getting too paranoid and mother-hen-ish over rads. in a way it's that or panicking... but i really really hope im not TOO annoying. i need to give her a bit of space too. yargh. silly clairesie.

praying is good. should do it more often.

dear God...

please be with R.. please give her strength.. please make her happy.. please don't let her feel alone.. please make them be nice to her.. please help her to sleep.. please make her better.. please let her know that people are thinking of her, praying for her, hoping she's okay, counting down the hours till she'll be in sydney and away from them...

please take care of R.. please keep her safe.. please keep her safe.. please keep her safe.. please give her strength.. please make them be nice to her.. please don't let him ever have anything to do with her again.. please don't let her feel alone.. please help her to sleep peacefully.. please help her to think of nice things.. please make her well..

please look after A.. please make her happy.. please guide her.. please keep her from getting paranoid.. please help her family to get along, and to say supportive things, and to not say things which she might misinterpret or overanalyse..

i'm so sorry that this prayer is only 'please's, that every prayer is only 'please's.. i'm so sorry that i say thoughtless things.. i'm so sorry that i don't know what to say.. i'm so sorry that i'm not kind to him.. i'm so sorry i'm so weak.. i'm so sorry i was reluctant to stay with her, and that i would prefer to sleep sometimes than talk to other her.. i'm sorry i'm so lazy and self-indulgent.. i'm so sorry i hardly talk to You, and when i do, get distracted or go off on tangents..

but please.. You're the only one who can help them..

thank You for listening

love claire

amen

wouldn't trust my head if i were me

something i need to remember...

if i trust my friends' opinions more than my own, on the grounds that they are wiser, smarter, and more awesome in general than i am...

then i need to hold that true for everything.

including what i think of myself.

so it doesn't MATTER how convincing my head can be. it's wrong if other people say it is.

...it took ages to get this to be not-incoherent... :P

haven't blogged in ages...

hmm... i'm tired a lot. maybe i didn't get enough sleep last night. i don't know.

'fessed-up to Rads last night, about the promise i broke... so glad i did. she convinced me it was ok, that she didn't hate me, that even if i break the promise again she won't be mad or not want to be friends with me (i dunno how i convinced myself otherwise, but holy crap i was scared...) and it was just... all ok. she is... an angel. i dunno how else she does it. but yeah, that was a load off... hehe. i wish i could comfort people like she can. heh, i wish i could comfort HER that well...

Von i know you're worried about people. there's like no way you could not be. please rant if you want. PLEASE. i rant so much at you. and i'm worried that you're worried. who CARES if maybe i worry more cos i know more stuff first hand about people or whatevs. that just means it's ok if you rant at me because i probably know it anyway. and if it's something i don't already know, i'll never bring it up unless you do, and never with anyone other than you.

maybe clairesie's just a little paranoid... but she can't quite understand the idea of a friend who isn't sad or stressed out for some reason... that's sad in itself, isn't it... meep.

anyway, byebye :)

eiunnasl;kjf

hello

meep

dearohdear

looking forward to sunday! :)

.....................................................................argh :( :( :( :( :(

hehehe. no, seriously, clairesie is heavier. that's ok, healthyness and lots of bike rides will help. clairesie will probably feel way happier, too, and sleep better and all that stuff. yay! looking forward to holidays...

byee.......

mip

:(

feels like getting upset would help... but then i'm upset and all by myself, that's great fun...

clairesie is sorry for posting such stupid crappy things to disturb the von. clairesie will be better when she fixes lifestyle etc. being tired and eating bad food makes people depressed, everyone know that. holidays will fix things.

and alice is stressed... i was going to pretend i wasn't online (see, i'm a horrible girl, some people would be surprised) but didn't, probably lucky huh...

hehehe college food... today it seemed to be based around a theme of 'rice'. rice as always at the vegetables end of the servery, then the vegetarian dish was in fact rice with a few mushrooms, and dessert was apparently rice pudding.

also

hahaha just an addition to that last post, though....
what's the bet clairesie falls over at some point during this 9 hour shift? hehehehe
...not that funny, really. i'm sure no-one else would find it funny. as funny as i do, anyway. maybe i am insane. maybe rads is right to be freaked out.

no, rads is never right to be freaked out. cos that could have a bad effect on her. ditto von.

*coughDOUBLESTANDARDMUCH?!?!?!?!?!cough*

yes, clairesie, that's nice. good day to you.

eww

clairesie's got fat
pretty sure that's related to the HUNDRED THOUSAND ENERGY DRINKS SHES CONSUMED THIS WEEK
no more of those. ...well, after monday arvo.
ewwwwwwwwwwwww :( :( :(

good. another reason to quit with the crazyshizzle. looking forward to detoxing from caffeine in holidays, because with no chocolate and no energy drinks... why, clairesie might even start to look like a human-shaped blob again! twill be exciting.

ARGH MCDONALDS it would've been better if i'd kept the 8-3am shift, instead of this one that starts at 6am. at least then it would've been just the one allnighter.......... i mean.... what.......? nah s'ok, not a real double allnighter. ooh! in 36 hours clairesie can come back to college and sleep!!! EXCITEMENT!!!!! omgomgomg. omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg. i should clean my room now so that my hibernation can occur in a pleasant environment. cos i won't get anything done in like half an hour now. silly clairesie for wasting so much time... anyway, yes. good morning! happy sunday!

ALSO... i'm in canberra for the family and friends service next sunday! that's exciting too :) tee hee. anyway, going now, bye!

worried? nooooooooo...

eek why is she worried about me? :(

caffeine never killed anyone unless they meant it to. lethal dose is 80 cups of coffee. you don't accidentally have that much. i mean, ew. and this has been a learning experience. eat too much nodoz -> feel like puking in the morning. i didn't know that before. now i do. and now all my nodoz is in the bin, too.

anyway.. 'going through so much shit'... am i? really? ...that she knows about?
*suspicious* rads? are you reading this? argh people and their knowledge...

I. AM. FINE. PLEASE BELIEVE THAT, EVERYONE. I WHINGE A LOT. I MAKE BIG DEALS OUT OF NOTHING. THAT IS WHAT I DO, BECAUSE I WANT ATTENTION. YES? YES.

just because i never plan to sleep doesn't mean i don't.
just because i rarely plan to eat doesn't mean i don't.
just because i work strange hours doesn't mean i don't have time for anything (though if i'm avoiding you, why yes, it does. but that doesn't apply to anyone who might be reading this.)
just because i get upset doesn't mean i'm always sad. crazy mood swings, anyone?
just because i've been having a lot of caffeine lately doesn't mean that i'm permanently addicted, or that it's going to hurt me, or even that i sleep or eat less than i should.
my face is pale purely because i've been in my room for the last few days
i have spots because i've been living on junk food
my legs hurt when i was half-running to the exam (a freaking long way away) because i haven't done any exercise in far too long
i'm nervous or anxious a lot because of too much caffeine and stress from exams/everything
i'm upset sometimes from that. who isn't?
my back's sore cos my shoulders live next to my ears at the moment
i talk a lot on the internet because i don't talk much to people here

is any of that particularly worrying?

...but ok, yeah, i'm losing the plot a little bit. not badly enough that people should worry about me. i know what to do to get back on track, and i'm going to. i'll be alright, i promise. sometimes, yeah, i get a bit messed up, but i notice, and work out that i should do something about it. always eventually.

i'm so sorry, though. SO sorry. i can't explain how much. i honestly am very angry at myself for making people worry. yargh.

not that angry, though. it's ok. just angry enough to do something about it.

sorry :(

meeeeeeeeeep

people caring makes me nervous
people asking questions that show they know exactly everything about me without me saying a word makes me nervous (especially when i haven't spoken to them much)

the good thing about mcdonalds is that everyone's nice, but no-one cares

went to dinner and saw the worst 2 people in the world to see at the moment - my bible study leader, and my phd friend who is scarily like mrs morris. they asked how exams were going, and did i have the maths one the other day? and i couldn't lie to them...

and now bec (yeah, name's the same too) says she's happy to coach me for the supplementary exams if the maths department will let me take them, and... freakin... yargh. honestly, stuff would be so much simpler if i just took the stupid courses again. i think i should. i really don't understand even the most basic of stuff, and there's not a chance i'll understand it properly in a couple of weeks, and the plan is made, can i just stick with it...?

(but that would involve telling her about the IT/arts at anu, which involves FAR too much explaining and i just don't want to get into it, because i don't want the opposition which is inevitable from anyone here...)

and christine looks worried about me. she didn't say anything in particular, but... i don't know.

why does the idea that someone knows stuff about me scare me so much?

GO AWAY YOU PEOPLE WHO CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH ME i don't like it i don't like it :(

...can i just go to sleep now?

really, REALLY anxious and hyperactive. i don't have a clue why. haven't overdosed on caffeine today *further annoyed at self* maybe i should. YEAH GREAT PLAN DO THAT NOW. NOT. no caffeine for clairesie.

:(

(sorry, this mood will pass. clairesie should not blog at only times when she feels like crap.)

gragh

i totally wasn't posting on helena's facebook at 5 13am
and i totally didn't get a call from mcdonalds at 6 15 am to ask if i could please please come work asap (which i did, because far out, i think that manager's been there for about 36 hours straight)... i think she thought i was awake when i answered the phone... that's a skill i've developed so mum doesn't kill me, hehe...

i did sleep. i swear i did. just not for long, that's all. people can survive on an hour. and now the thought of more caffeine makes me queasy, and sleeping would make me ridiculously messed up with regard to inappropriate nocturnalism, so i guess i'll just be in a weird state of vague until further notice, yes? yes. ok. awesome. who am i talking to? no-one. good good.

the ritalin effect

written at around.. 5 30? 6?
{
von... i know some of the stuff in this post sounds crazy, but i promise you i'm ok. please don't worry about anything you read. i am ok. it sounds like i'm not, but.. please believe me?

but yeah...

something that's really weird is... you know how caffeine's a stimulant, right? but i just took 4 nodoz at once (400mg, equiv 4 cups coffee, sort of), half an hour ago, and i could go to sleep right now if i lie down. this always happens. it seems like an awesome idea to have a lot of caffeine at once, for strange crazy reasons - i'm generally upset and anxious at the time - and so i do, and contrary to expectations, don't get hyper - just fall asleep.

i'm wondering if it's similar to ritalin.. like, kids with ADD get distracted and hyper really easily because their brains are actually working slower than they should, and that's why ritalin (which is essentially cocaine i think, people sell it on the streets as a stimulant) helps them to concentrate.

cos how the hell else does caffeine freaking HELP ME SLEEP?

and it's only when i'm in that weird state of mind that i ever have more than 100-200mg at a time, too. cos it is a pretty stupid idea, as a rule. have you ever been in the kind of weird, mildly self-destructive mood where stupid ideas seem quite tempting? no? good.

this is kinda bad though. i keep thinking... hey, let's see what happens if i take more, let's see how many i have to take to feel sick... and yeah, claire, that's REALLY smart, get f-cked up on caffeine 2 days before your exam that you know nothing for, great plan, let's do that now.

it's not dangerous. it would take a crapload to make me actually sick. but i'm weird. that's all.

just seems kind of scary that i look at the back of a bottle of pills, read 'dosage: 1 tablet. no repeat dose within 3 hours. no more than 6 should be taken within 24 hours'... and think... let's take 4 in a row. or last year took 7 in the space of 2 hours or so. and then, of course, fell asleep.. like.. what the?

meep. clairesie is a little odd.
}

written at 12 15 the next morning
{
actually had to get rads to tell me i wasn't allowed any more, around 8. because i was thinking stuff like 'another 4 won't hurt. try it. it takes 10 grams to kill someone, that's a whole bottle, there's no way it'll hurt me to take a couple more, you're such an attention seeker, try and at least do some actual damage before you bitch about it' and by 'you' i mean me etc

but yeah. one msn msg from her and i threw the container out of arms reach. so am i an attention seeker, or am i an attention seeker? and why won't i listen to myself when i know the right answer, but i'll obey someone blindly when they say something i asked them to say?

clairesie = freak. lame, huh.

but over that now. for the moment. you know. whatevs. sick of self-talk, it's mega annoying.
}

and done. study time. since the pills have finally worn off. my goodness that sounds sick. clairesie isn't as crazy as she sounds, is she?

dead

im tired and i just want to go home, can i?
it's ok, i can sleep tonight, and then everything'll be ok again. fricken 7 hours at mcdonalds though... :(
i'm scared i'm going to just randomly burst into tears somewhere inappropriate. like at mcdonalds. argh. for no reason, i just feel kinda crappy and have been sleeping pretty crappily too

hmm i always write blogs and never remember to post them. its now 630pm as opposed to 830 am. what was originally 5 hours which had turned into 7 by then, turned into 9 by the end. lame. at least i get money. yes. lots of money with which to annoy von by buying her stuff. excellent :)

but i'm tired and have done no study at all today, and i'm going to fail everything, which will be sad. :(

the plan

i may have worked something out.

stay at college this semester. i can pay half. well, pay back to my dad half.
take the 2 maths courses again (cos i refuse to leave them failed, especially since i've half-learnt them)
take the next computing course (assuming i pass this one fingers crossed) and take an indeterminate arts course primarily because it -isn't- maths or computing :P

next year, back to canberra; enrol in IT/arts at anu. i've looked at the program, it looks heaps less disgusting than softeng/arts did. much less maths. like, 1 course in the 4 years. i think. and its half-half with arts, instead of 'just do arts courses in your electives and we'll give you a degree' sort of thing.

maybe it's pointless staying for another semester and doing courses i might not be able to count towards anything, but it's really too late now to change, and i haven't done uac, and i have a feeling that starting a program in the middle of the year would really throw me...

what do you think?

shouldn't worry. there's nothing i can do about it. and she specifically told me i wasn't to freak out. but..

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRGGHH *cries*

dearohdearohdearohdearohdearohdear

meep. anyway. some people's lives suck. it was weird, as the bus came into canberra, i just thought.. there are 2 houses with people who really don't want to be there in them at the moment.. and clearly there are heaps more people in that situation, but..

anyway. yes. off to see amelia soon! yaayayayayayyay

*tired*

didn't get youthallowance, which sucks

told mum, she was like 'hmm... meh, didn't expect to get it anyway'

told dad, he was like 'hmm... meh, didn't expect to get it anyway'

asked him if it, like, meant anything, like regarding where i could afford to live next semester, and he was like... it doesn't necessarily mean anything in particular at the moment, in the longer term probably, but for now not really...

(which is completely different to what i'd heard he'd said to mum about how i should apply to anu cos i can't afford to live here without the support)

and... that's good, right, but always always always someone's saying something like 'we can't afford to live past the end of next week' (exaggeration) or whatever, and then whatever it is NEVER happens, but i'm still always stressing about whether i have to move back or whatever for financial reasons, or when i was at school it was whether i'd have to change school (not so much in senior, cos i never spoke to my parents then hehe) and they were talking about my brother changing school cos his is ridiculously expensive, and that was bad cos he's changed school so much etc... but i'm pretty sure that's not going to happen, either.

i just wish they'd either say something when it was actually going to happen, or not say it at all. that's all.

and yes, i ate today. a large skim latte with cinnamon, a carrot & avocado sushi roll, and a little bread thing. and i was about to say i was going to eat dinner, but that sounds like a lot, put like that...
(ohshutupclairegoeatsaladfoooooool)
(sorry von)
(*goes to dinner*)

d-_-b

i'm going to go deaf

i've got to stop listening to headphones this loud

mrs tatchell would be disgusted...

...

loud music can drown out andrew. that was good.

wonder how loud it would have to go to drown out brains...

i dont want to decide :(

i have to make a decision by friday.
...
well i could just apply regardless. like i can always turn down stuff. it's still done by uai, which is good, cos i'm pretty sure i'm going to fail some stuff :S
...
but now i'm not so sure i want to leave
...
but that's the most selfish disgusting thing in the world. i have to come back. for mum, among other people.
...
but what if that means i'm abandoning people here, who have started maybe to need me a little more than before?
...
and i don't have a clue what ~i~ want to do. which is good, cos i don't care. if i did something wrong by someone else in favour of what i wanted to do, it would be pointless, cos i couldn't live with myself.
...
and it's arrogant to think that i matter so much to people that stuff like this should require so much deliberation.
...
*overthinks everything to a ridiculous degree*
...
*is an idiot*
...
oh whatever, claire, stop being a fool.

i'd kind of like to.. stay till the end of the year, and move back then.. i think. but i don't have a clue. honestly, i can't imagine permanently living at home again...

crap, now i just want to crawl into a hole and cry, and i have to finish this ghastly computing assignment that's a million years late...
[shut up, stupid claire, no-one wants to hear your bullshit]
i wish my head would stop saying that. even though it's true, it's still annoying.
...
ARGH
...
(all done);

bit tired

argh! my computer died! it's quite, QUITE, the sad. pretty much my whole life (since year 10) is stored on a failed hard drive. this makes me a little upset, and a little angry at myself for not backing up. BACK UP YOUR PRECIOUS FILES! NOW! PLEASE! and make sure that all of your music is copied onto cds somewhere.

just feeling a bit nothingish, really. not really caring that i'm going to fail stuff cos i'm not even sure i'll be here next semester and it probably won't count... and i don't want to go in the middle of the year any more, i think, i'd rather stay all year... but now seems like there are other things affecting that, and so... yeah. ignoring everything. other people's problems are enough to distract me from this crap anyway.

am tired and feel a bit sick. that could be because i've literally been living on chocolate and caffeine for rather a while. in fact that's almost definitely the reason. silly clairesie.

tis rahul's birthday today, i think the group's going out tonight. haven't been out in ages, mum'll probably ring and be like ARGH WHERE ARE YOU GET BACK TO COLLEGE NOW and that'll be awful and hmm. and i should be online to talk to people. or at least sober to msg people :P but i haven't been out with the group in ages...

oh, and have been sleeping crappily lately. but i already told you that. possibly due to tendency to fall asleep in front of computer when all the lights are on and i'm full of caffeine. but again, i'm not quite sure about that :P

stressstressstress i wish everyone didn't have millions of problems all the time.. some people, some people just need a break, just a little while where everything goes ok and people are nice to them and they can sleep and everything... (2 people in mind who have the same name)

crap i have work soon and this assignment isn't done... screw it, i'll finish it tomorrow. whatever. yes, i know i shouldn't go out and let an assignment be a day late because of it. but i really don't care.

the things i care about, i can't do anything about, and the things i can do something about, i don't care. claire is stupid. that is all. hehehe. need to start caring about this stuff though, failing is bad. eek.

stuff (and nonsense) :P

the most amazing, thought-provoking, just-incredible fanfic. it's not even really a story, just a bunch of little glimpses. it's by 'nelras', and the link is http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3268491/1/

some of the sentences make me squirm from thinking. they lend such a depth to the characters..

Beggar
It is the first and last time Draco will ever beg, with his hand
offered as he stood on the step just above the one Harry was standing
on.

...

Ill
Seeing the dirt-smeared Boy Who Lived sobbing over a
classmate’s body can hardly be classified as the worst Madame Maxine has been
exposed to, so of course, it must be her natural aversion to grime that is
making her stomach churn.

...

Quiet
After Luna tells Harry about what happened to her mother, she has
the uncomfortable experience of rendering someone completely silent without
meaning to. It reminds her of why she prefers to read books downside up.

...

Unclear
Percy spent two weeks at the end of one summer looking for his
Prefect badge and his school robes- when he demanded to know where they were,
the twins had been exasperatingly vague. For some reason, his robes smelled
rather strongly of his mother’s old hope chest when he found them draped across
his bed two days before the start of the term.

...

Zenith
No one remembers it after she dies, but Lily had always had a
tendency to turn on pieces of classical music only to shut them off as soon as
they reached their crescendos.

all from 'Glances' by nelras, the link's up the top, i hope she wouldn't mind me quoting that..

and then some of them make one wonder.. what could that possibly mean? eee i love finding fanfiction that makes me think..

bummed with rads on weekend twas LEEET happyhappyhappy

saskia's lost almost 5 kg since i first spoke to her though, shes 49 or so... and she wants to get down to 39.. eek
*reminds self that i can't really do anything about it* *reminds self that self is not even trying, due to putting uni and other people above her*

*has general sense of failing everyone lately, not just from that, though that's part of it*
mumlittleradssaskiaevenme and probably a bazillion other people who i'm so stupid and careless i can't even remember

sigh. nope, clairesie's fine. tis all good. merh. meep

strangely happy for 7 in the morning

i am strangely, amazingly, illogically, disturbingly happy, considering it's 7am, my computing assignment's due at midnight and i haven't started, and i've practically been up all night. all week, for that matter, give or take a bit.

i think i know why though. or at least, i know what i'm going to attribute it to. see, i was helping someone with something, because they were upset stressed out just couldn't cope. i told her to just send it to me, i'd do it. the fact that she agreed almost straight away is a testament to how bad a state she was in. but see, i can't trust clairesie to stay awake. not for her assignments, not even for group assignments. so clairesie prayed that she wouldn't fall asleep till this person's work was done.

twice, she did fall asleep. but each time, only for about 10 minutes, and when she awoke she felt amazingly refreshed.. you know, like, doze off in maths one afternoon and somehow you go from practically-comatose to awake-till-3-the-next-morning? that kind of sleep. and not even feeling gross afterwards, or anything. and somehow subconsciously made self get up off bed after that happened the first time, go wash face etc, until was awake properly.

and the thing got finished (took way longer than it should have, and was probably utter crap, but hey, i don't know anything about King Charles any more, i had to do a lot of research..) and it's sent, at dawn like i promised, and clairesie has had shower and washed hair and feels great, and... yeah...

hmm. just wanted to share that with someone. thinking 'wow, i asked God for that, and got it', on such a short-term based thing, it's just.. you really notice. and when the consequences could have been pretty bad (letting her down etc, she having to spontaneously write something before 10 instead of just de-crappifying something before 10)

... :D

...oh yeah, computing assignment, oops :P meh, it'll be ok

meep

sometimes you hear something that's so (effing~) intense
and you start to imagine it
and you're like... holy crap... and turn your earphones up way louder to distract yourself
and then you realise that this actually happened
and that this actually happened to someone
and that this actually happened to someone who you're

[procrastinating]

talking to

[because what the hell can you even say to that?]

and you're like... i'm a self-centred piece of crap

[but somehow knowing that doesn't help you reply more usefully]

...

and then the phone rings and you're like.. argh best timing ever bori..
but after a while of stressing that you're on the phone and can't multitask
you're like... almost... grateful...
GOTO line 10

silly silly shut up claire

ok so that last post was actually pretty arrogant. 'i've read all this stuff on the internet about all these people so clearly i must be able to do something that takes years to get a degree in'. mmhmm.

really, my whole attitude is arrogance. 'just because no-one else in the world can do it doesn't mean i can't...' and then having expectations of myself to match, which inevitably results in, well, a feeling of failure, funnily enough, when i too fail to accomplish the impossible.

silly clairesie. 'stop being arrogant and stuck-up', she must say, when she notices that she would never expect anyone else to do what she expects of herself. actually, it should work. 'arrogant' and 'uncaring' are the two adjectives that make clairesie cringe and mope most. she will avoid doing things that might be considered so.

somuchworksomuchworksomuchworkARGH. next week, i am actually going to die. please don't be surprised if i do. i'm really sorry, but i am actually pretty sure that i'll manage to either make myself horribly sick or fail a course, some time in wk 11. most likely both, cos i'll get sick and still try to do stuff. that'll be fun. calculustest databaseassignment computingoral (i know, wtf..?) computingtute discretemathstest computingassignment and i bet there's more.

we have this HORRIBLE computing assignment that lasts for like 4 weeks, like there's a part due every friday till the end of term. WTF WHO CAME UP WITH THAT ARE THEY TRYING TO KILL US ahem.

and my tummy hurts :( quite a bit but not as much as last friday. that's weird... this time last week, i was in hospital... crazy. probably dehydration. or chocolate withdrawal symptoms, since i've been eating it constantly till today.

anorexia. i could definitely get enough of this topic.

(von, i don't expect you to read all of this... it's more a 'clairesie sorting out thoughts' than a 'von must know all of this'... but, you know, if you're really bored, feel free... :P)

f*ck

saskia's getting pretty sick

not horribly-thin-wise (my height, low 50s), but.. she can't bring herself to eat any more, and is so utterly convinced that she's ugly and fat...

and the less she ate the worse she felt, last time we talked

and the time before, she was feeling a little better... argh

when someone has a psychological problem, it's different to medical. medical, you need knowledge and understanding, to understand what's wrong, knowledge of how the body works and how something could've gone wrong, and also knowledge of how to fix it. but you also need medicines, or operating tools, or whatever.

i would never expect myself to be able to cure a medical problem.

psychological though, with the exception of antidepressants or antipsychotic drugs (and here we're venturing into medical mental problems, chemical imbalance, different from thought-pattern-type-things..)...
psychological problems can only really be dealt with using the knowledge and understanding.

so here's the thing. i've done a ridiculous amount of research on various psychological things relevant to people i care about, particularly on eating disorders, self-harm, and nightmares etc. i've also spent a fair amount of time looking at forums and support sites for eating disorders and self-harm, and even some pro-ana stuff. i'm also, excuse me blowing my own horn, but i believe i'm a fairly empathetic girl, or at least i have a pretty good imagination. so i have a lot of knowledge about this stuff, and (i think) a fair degree of understanding. in some cases, perhaps more understanding than some psychologists, who've only looked at textbooks..

so why am i so ridiculously useless at helping people? why am i still left with 'you need to talk to someone...' which i clearly didn't say, because she wouldn't listen and probably just distance herself from me. cos it does sound like 'i can't help you, go be someone else's problem', just a bit...

'i'm fat n ugly'

'no ur not! ur beautiful and so thin, i wish i was as thin as u'

'thnx but im really not'

'u so are!' etc (this isn't a real quote btw, but general gist)

so on the topic of 'saskia's fat and ugly' i'm reduced to an 'are not' 'am too' 'are not' 'am too' conversation. i fail at life.

well after a bit it seemed pointless, i said instead something about her being a really sweet girl and i wish she was happier, that turned into a bit of the same as above (except 'are too' 'am not' :P), though like in both instances i was backing up my side, she was just like 'thnx but im really not'... but i mean it hardly matters, what matters is how she feels, and reassurance and stuff can only do so much for her. also, i'm some really nice person on the net but i've never seen her in real life and i've spoken to her like 4 times, so i guess if she doesn't think i'm the most convincing source in the world on her personal and physical qualities, i sort of understand hehe.

there must be something i can say that will help. i've read half the stuff on the internet on anorexia, and that's a crapload. i've read rants, diaries, other random forum posts, by some people who are so sick everyone frantically asks after them when they don't go online for a few days. and by some people who are just going through day by day, hating themselves, starving themselves, or throwing up multiple times a day. and some people who go on anorexia sites and are like 'hey i need to lose 20 lb for da summer how do i get anroexia? i need 2 b thinn!!!1' and that's just really disturbingly sad and weird. some have been hurt, many have problems with their mother, many are gymnasts or dancers, some are just randoms who hate themselves for some reason or no reason and this is how it shows.

some have been in IP (inpatient) several times. others never have - either they're too good at fooling, or don't live near friends/family, or they just manage to never get that sick. some cut or burn, some have attempted suicide or want to, some use drugs, some have diabetes and screw with their insulin to lose weight, many have health problems of some kind, and all are really sad for some reason. some weigh approximately nothing, many are underweight or normal weight, some are over or obese (generally the other EDs though). a lot are in college/highschool, some are younger, some are mothers. they're all really kind to each other, invariably. not to someone they think is a troll, and sometimes a comment is made that's true and needed to be said even though the recipient might not want to hear it, but otherwise...

surely reading all this must give me a bit of insight. but no, i can't help anyone. mum has a friend who's anorexic. he quite obviously weighs less than i do, never eats and rides his bike everywhere. mum asked me for advice. (what's wrong with that sentence? mum asked me for advice on how to help this guy at uni who's anorexic... well there's nothing wrong with it, but you know, there are more common situations hehe)

i think the point of this blog was, i know i'm expecting more of myself in a night than what is expected of a psychologist over months. there is nothing i can say to this girl that will cure her anorexia. there's hardly anything i can say that will even make her feel better, because nothing i can say can change her appearance which is there with her all the time.

i can't make her better and, as usual, it's driving me insane... hehe :P

i should go to sleep i guess. thanks for listening.

ARGH IE7 IS THE DEVIL

[rant]

ok, so generally when a program automatically downloads itself, installs itself, and then stops you from using your computer as well as you could before, you'd call that a VIRUS, wouldn't you...

but microsoft clearly know everything about everything, particularly that you REALLY want to spontaneously install the new version of IE whether or not you THINK you do.

and also that the maths part of the UNSW course website is actually a phishing site or somehow insecure because it has the wrong certificate, so it should clearly BLOCK it...

and then refer you to help, which isn't even displayed on the toolbar any more, it's off on some extension bit you have to search for, and then the gist of the help file is 'we know better than you. if we block something, clearly it's trying to kill you. anything without a valid certificate or with an error of any description was actually made by al Qaeda and/or Satan. just trust us. you don't have to think ever again, nice microsoft will protect you and make you feel nice and safe and warm while we steal your soul and your ability to think for yourself. even if you used to go to this site all the time before, and it was made by your university, don't be fooled. your computer will spontaneously combust if you look at it now. also, here, have this paper spoon so it won't hurt you if you stick it in your eye.'

[/rant]

ok so maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration. and then after a bit the bar at the top came up letting me view the site anyway, thank goodness, i thought i would have to revert my computer to a week ago to get rid of this stupid thing.

but what's annoying is that it didn't even ask me if i wanted to install this. i just shut down my computer, it said it was installing updates, nothing about a whole new program update. with tabs that it clearly stole from firefox. how did they not get sued over that?

anyway, yes, done :P

pri has convinced me...

that health should be at least a moderate concern in one's life.
so... will write down stuff, so i'm sort of vaguely accountable maybe. just till i get bored hehe.

slept at 3, woke at 8, dozed till about 10 though.
ate a green apple and a little olive bread roll (yum) and took capsules a bit after 11
drank half a mtfranklin size bottle of water

and now i'm going to study. will have lunch around 1 30 so i can take capsules with it and it won't be too soon after 'breakfast' hehe. and am probably going to dinner with family at pizza place, which won't be so healthy.. maybe i can get away with a salad or something. we'll see.

will update later :P

ooer...

interesting day today
tell me when you'll be online, better to explain in 'person' rather than just leave a blog about it.. you'll understand when i tell you, hehe.
everything's ok. just an interesting experience. pri has yelled at me about it extensively hehe..

whoa..

xanga-hopping...

came across a strange one all about anorexia, with like thinspiration and everything..
opened the 'diary' link and the last post is 'i'm sorry to have to tell you all this, but jenni has died' (jenni being the xanga-owner..)

the second last post is words to the effect of 'this is jenni's ana buddy. jenni's in hospital, she was hit by a car because she was so vague and they don't know if she'll make it because she was already so sick...'

the third last post was presumably jenni herself, talking about how she thinks she's going to have to try and put on a bit of weight because she weighs 89lb, has pressure sores, and has been shaking for weeks..

so sad.. she might have got a bit better, and avoided it all, but..

dearohdear. dearohdearohdear. poor girl :(


mum was asking my advice on what to do about this guy in her building at the uni who's pretty clearly anorexic (as in, looks literally like a skeleton, rides a bike everywhere, and never eats anything..)
...what can you do? unless you prove him legally insane, which one probably could do, but.. though, i guess, to save a life..

interestingness

today went to unsw christian students (aka christian stalker society, cos they ring me when i don't turn up :P). usually go on wednesdays, but couldn't cos of ridiculous amount of maths to be learnt. which didn't end up being learnt. that was sad. but anyway, i digress..

they've been looking at the properties of manna since the start of the year, and it's really quite interesting. what happens is this guy gives a sort of a lecture for about 40 minutes (but he's a really good speaker, it's interesting) and then we start talking about stuff in groups, and eventually.. like when i left today they were talking about horse books they used to read hehe.

BUT if i can get to the point without any further tangents...
one of the properties of manna is apparently that it's transparent, like an eye. and apparently we're meant to strive to be completely transparent and honest and so on, fair enough.. but by extension, it's wrong to hide problems and to pretend stuff's ok etc. ..huh? and they were saying people hide things like that because they're being prideful, and want to think they're special, and want to keep some part of themselves hidden from the world.

mum keeps telling me it's horrible of others to tell me their problems. (it is at those times that i *ahem* disagree with my mother's point of view, and hold her in perhaps less esteem than i should...) she says that sharing stuff just makes everyone else miserable. and i mean that attitude's clearly doing her a lot of good, cos she's so, you know, emotionally healthy and so on. but... ARGH. surely it's not 'being prideful' to decide 'they probably don't want to know this' when deciding whether to answer 'ok' or 'shit' to a casual 'how are you'...

i'm exaggerating. and i've contradicted myself several times. and i still don't know what point i'm trying to make. just, you know, thinking, hehe

and.. i mean.. telling peeps about probs is good, i think.. like, clearly, there's heaps of examples...


and i'm really sorry but i'm far too vague to continue writing this, i've lost track of everything i was saying and can't be bothered to read it all. so perhaps a revision, or a part 2, tomorrow...

erg

(tuesday night/wednesday morning sometime. before 2am.)
von... clairesie's weird... and sad... and insane... and she misses everyone, a lot, and feels quite alone here, but can't honestly say she'd be a lot happier anywhere else, (edit: all the time, certainly being around friends would help at times) and... sigh.

saying that clairesie feels like this all the time would be a lie.

(wednesday at 11 35pm)
thank goodness...
clairesie woke up at 7 and still felt awful, fell asleep again just in time for her maths lecture hehe
dunno what was wrong. like apart from msgs, and peeps being sick, but.. that's not that unusual, and clairesie isn't usually that bad. how strange.

...claire, it doesn't matter how many times you test it, when hand attacks kneebone, kneebone is inevitably going to win. and hand will look inappropriate if you don't get rid of that reflex. bad reflex. bad.

i'm such a caffeine emo :P this happened so often in yr 12, i'd drink too much coffee, feel awful, and go to sleep (or half-sleep occasionally when caffeine was sufficient) just so i didn't have to be awake. hence so little schoolwork got done hehe. and hence bori pulled more real allnighters than i did in semester 2. weird, huh.

hellooo

(and this one's from now)

no matter what she says, i still can't help but feel guilty about spilling to someone who has 'RIP' in their msn name...

but it's ok, now. i think. talking was good, anyway... made clairesie much less upset, anyway. how selfish of clairesie.

meepmeepmeep

i have a 'just eat, loser' sign on my desk now :P
(cos that really was kinda getting out of hand...)
and i'm going to do some work tonight
and i'm going to go to all my lectures unless i'm actually DOING something else that's productive, not just bumming and like '..nah... can't be stuffed...' or like 'i'll ... study... here... instead...'
and i'm going to socialise. at least a little bit. instead of bumming around alone and then moping about it.
and i'm going to put up a sign saying the nice stuff she told me to make me confident about socialising, too. i don't care if she made it up. maybe if i teach myself it, i'll become it. *convinces self...*
*makes sign, thinks 'yeah, right, if only...'*
*worries that if clairesie actually believed that, she would be most dreadfully conceited...*
hehehe oh well.

PRIYAM GET BACK HERE
(sorry, have been posting that everywhere, regardless of whether pri's likely to read it or not lol)
:P

must make her cookies! dearohdear! but when?
and mum's going to kill me if i decide to stay overnight at bori's. but if i don't, i'll only get to stay there for like an hour, considering the time the bus gets to canberra and the time i would need to take a taxi to get home by midnight :( dilemmas, dilemmas... spontaneous painful death or hardly ever seeing pri again... ARGH

maybe with further negotiations mum'll see my point of view...
fat chance. she knows i want to see pri. she just doesn't care because she wants to see me, and i always spend heaps of time with friends whenever i go home, and she's annoyed at me for that. she thinks i care about them more than i care about her. which isn't true. it really isn't.

ah well. we'll see how things go.

lonely

(wrote this on saturday morning, saved as draft, wasn't sure if i should post it, seeing how many mopey posts i've made recently... but here it is, anyway..)

...lonelyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

and i know it's my fault. but i'm either really tired/vague, or studying/frantically working on assignment/etc, or talking to someone on msn (and it's like, if i have to go to a lecture, they're like 'you'll be back in an hour though?')

now i just really want to go home... and stay there... why the crap am i here anyway?
but i'll never end up doing anything about it. i'll just be stuck here till i get kicked out for failing too many things, or for being retarded and forgetting to eat for too long, or whatever.

yup. i'm not happy here. haven't really been happy here ever, that i can think of. and after the holidays, when in spite of various crappy aspects of home/drew/wtevz, i got to see people i know & love, bum with littleradhika heaps, and.. and.. i just want to go home.

HYPERACTIVE!!!!!

...sigh. not in a good way.

not caffeine. not.. well maybe sugar, considering recent fluctuations. but i'm pretty sure it's psychological/emotional.

it doesn't matter. it's just annoying. clairesie's crazy.

strange

clairesie has the strangest meaningless conversations with herself when vague... this was written in her book during a lecture...

meep! ohdearohdear
are you fine?
um, no?
oh, ok...
don't worry about it
of course not...
...you're worrying, aren't you...
...what? me? no, why would you think...
stop lying. it really doesn't work.
i'm not...
yep. whatever.
well... it's just because...
stop worrying. it makes things worse
(they're already worse)
what was that?
...don't worry about it...

it doesn't mean anything, it was just something i wrote when very vague. i've written weirder stuff. perhaps i could use it in some strange kind of fanfiction... or not... i dunno. clairesie should study maths now, and stop reading the weird notes she wrote when she was asleep :P
note to self: don't ever show anyone your notebooks, they would think you're insane. i'm not, really. i'm just asleep when i write stuff. i can't be held responsible for stuff i write when i'm asleep :P

MATHSTIME

argh

STOP BEING SICK EVERYONE

PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE

do you want my guts? you can have my guts. you can have anything. just GET BETTER PLEASE...

...i'm scared to lose you :(

*mega health vibes to RRJ*

...back to college. back to a great start: maths test tomorrow and i've hardly looked at the work, let alone studied. oh dear :P at least my group likes me now, cos i gave them cookies and cake and easter eggs hehehe. well they liked me before, but they like me more now :P

copin indeed

...i don't know why someone would say they were coping if they actually were.

*ponders what to do about it*

colourful blog quiz

:: Blue is anger ::
1. Are you currently mad at someone?
Not actively mad. There are a few people I would not mind punching in the face, though, if the opportunity presented itself. That's quite unlikely though.
2. Which of your family members has the worst temper?
Probably Dad.. or Andrew... i dunno.
3.Have you ever thrown something at anyone?
Probably. Can't think of a specific instance though. And it wouldn't've been in anger.. except maybe my bro... oh i don't know.
4. Is anyone mad at you?
..if they know i'm awake, then yes..
5. Are you usually mad?
um.. no, not really, not really at all. sad, maybe, but not mad.
6. When you're mad do you prefer to stare angrily or yell?
I've been mad at someone who isn't my brother once in my life, and.. i talked reeally snarkily to mr mcguigan about how if he didn't put Jasmine in a debating team there was no way we were going to win anything ever again. Which was essentially true. Apparently I was quite scary. It was fun :P But apart from that, I generally just accept stuff and then go away and cry. Or stare silently. Or, if it's my brother, push him back, or 'YA FACE' his sorry arse.. :P

:: Orange is excitement ::
1. Has anyone ever thrown a surprise party for you?
nope... unless the party for Frankie and me (we had the same birthday :) ) at the beginning of yr 11 was one.. like, i didn't know about it.. can't remember if it was actually meant to be a surprise or if i was just antisocial and vague though :P
2. What event is coming up that you're most excited about?
i dunno... can't think of anything much...
3. If you won a million dollars, what would be your first thought?
YAY
4. If you could have anything right now what would it be?
the whole concept of young people dying of sickness to disappear

:: Yellow is self-discovery ::
1.Your name: Claire
2. Birthday: 10th of February
3. What is your main goal in life? to... i don't know. help as many people as i can? to never turn someone away if they need something and i can do something about it? to always listen, no matter what? and to have the prudence not to whinge at people at times when they want to talk about stuff too..
4. Do you want to have children?
Yeah.. one day.. though i can't really imagine..
5.When do you want to die?
NOW *jumps* :P or, failing that, i dunno, just.. not while i'm still possibly useful to people, if that makes sense.

:: Green is opinions ::
1. Are you against gay marriage?
I don't know. Legal recognition of their partnership, with ceremony if they wish, is certainly appropriate, but marriage.. might have other aspects that don't quite apply to that... if that makes any sense.
2. Lower the drinking age?
What's the point?
4. Abortion?
Depends far too much on circumstances to make a general statement. As a repeated method of contraception, definitely morally wrong. Adopted kids so often end up screwed-up... but then so do all kids. It's up to the mother in the end, she's the one who has to live with it. Unless for some medical reason I had to have one, I'd.. do anything to avoid it..

:: Red is love ::
1. Do you love someone?
I love EVERYONE
2.Do you miss your ex ?
Ex, eh...
3. Do you believe in love at first sight?
You have to at least have a conversation with someone to fall in love with them :P not that I would know, but.. I don't see how it would work, otherwise. Like, you could fall in love with their face...? How much can you tell about someone from first sight, anyway?
4. Do you believe in love?
No. I hate everyone. Ew....that's a yes, by the way :P

:: Pink is life ::
The last...
1. Person you saw: Andrew?
2. Person you sent a text message to: Radhika
3. Movie watched in cinema: Becoming Jane
4. Song you listened to: The Middle - Jimmy Eat World
5. Person talked to on the phone: Mum

:: Grey is today ::
1. What are you doing right now?Filling in a quiz and talking to peeps on MSN.
2. What are you doing tonight?Filling in quizzes and talking to peeps on MSN.
3. What are you going to eat? Nothing else.

blog quiz. bored? not me... *cough*

1. What are your initials? CLJ
2. What is your favorite thing to wear? elmo t-shirt and jeans :P
3. Last thing you ate? bit of leftover easter egg
4. I say Shotgun, you say? ...*grumble*...
5. Last person you hugged? um.. Von?
7. How many U.S states have you been to? none. and what happened to question 6?
8. How many of the U.S states have you lived in? all of the ones i've been to
9. Does anyone you know wanna date you? um...? i don't know. he used to :S
10. Name something you like physically about yourself? i... have... the same number of arms and legs and fingers and toes and eyes as most people i know :P
11. Who is/are your best friend(s)? Von, Pri
12.Why are you still up? it's only 10 34pm! mum's trying to get me to sleep now though. hahahahahahaha
13. Who/What made you angry today? my bro... sometimes it scares me how much i actually want to hit him :S
14. Favorite type of Food? depends
15. Favorite holidays? i wish these holidays were longer!
16. Do you download music? constantly :P
17. Do you care if your socks are dirty? *cough* *looks away* depends on circumstances...
18. Would you date the person who posted this? actually lulu, there's something i've been meaning to tell you... :P but it would never work out between us, long distance, you know...
19. Has anyone ever sang or played for you personally? um.. mum?
20. Do you love anyone? i love EVERYONE. except people who hurt people i love lots. those people i frown at most intensely.
21. Do you like Bush? i'm sure he has a wonderful personality.
22. Have you ever bungee jumped? yes, in all the american states i visited
23. Have you ever gone white-water rafting? yes, after bungee jumping
24. Has anyone ten years older than you ever hit on you? er.. not.. that i've been aware of.. *twitch*
25. How much money ya got in ya pocket? a dollar for every american state i've lived in
26. Have you met a real redneck? ya mum's face is a real redneck
27. How is the weather right now? night-time and very quiet
28. What are you listening to right now? nothing, but 'how to save a life' by the fray has been stuck in my head all day.
29. What is your current fav song? ya face is a fav song
30. What was the last movie you watched? Click, just then
31. Do you wear contacts? does ya mum? well, no, regardless. glasses though
32. Where was the last place you went besides your house? belco mall with grandma
33. What are you afraid of? friends or family being hurt or sad or dying..
34. How many piercings have you had? none
35. How many pets do you have? 2, dog who i've had since prep, and jasper, my evil vampire b/cat who likes the taste of blood :S :P
36. What's one thing you've learned? be careful when going to the unsw library on a very empty tummy. just.. be careful. it's usually fine though.
37. What do you usually order from Starbucks? vanilla latte, mm :P
38. Have you ever fired a gun? wanna know the reason why i had to move around to live in so many american states? and why i no longer live in US jurisdiction? you don't? good answer...
39. Are you missing someone? since ages: kitaaaaaaaa.. since this year: vonpriradhikaboz and everyonnneeeee
40. Fave TV show? house, ncis... but never watch it at college
41. Do you have an iPod? only discman
42. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celeb? i apparently looked a bit like the girl who played hermione granger, before she grew up and started looking like a celeb herself :P
43. Who would you like to see right now? lots of people... all the peeps i haven't seen in ages... pri, way to fly out the day before i got back... also rads so i can give her a hug... i dunno who else. santa claus?
44. Favorite movie of all time? um... i don't know! pirates of caribbean 1? thirteen i watched multiple times in one evening... i am sam is beautiful...
45. Do you find yourself loved? no, everyone clearly hates me *turns away melodramatically*
...*snort* yeah, maybe just a little :P dunno why though
46. Favourite Flower(s)? the wooden ones on my dressing table
48. Butter, plain, or salted popcorn? um.. i usually don't eat popcorn. plain is healthy though
49. What Magazines are you reading? i sometimes look at the ones with stuff about peeps like lindsay lohan/mary-kate olsen/britney spears and feel sorry for them, poor women... but i'd be more likely to buy APC or Computer World or New Scientist :P that said, i'm not reading any at the moment hehe
50. Have you ever ridden in a limo? had to travel round the US somehow, didn't i?
51. Has anyone you were really close to passed away recently? no, thank goodness. pray for those who would say yes to that though..
52. What's something that really bugs you? me. complaining. all the time. when everyone else is worse off than me. ..practically..
53. Do you like Michael Jackson? i try not to think too much about Michael Jackson. he's a strange sort of fellow.
54. What's your favorite smell? yeah, rain...
56. Favorite cereal? haven't eaten cereal in YEARS. literally.
57. What's the longest time you've gone without sleep? hehehehehe i dunno about 40 hours i guess. i'm prouder of my '10 hours over a week' effort. in the way that it was a horrible experience which i hope never to repeat. well, only the counsellor bit. but still.
58. Last time you went bowling? i dunno... music captains meeting before yr 12?
59. Where is the weirdest place you have slept? um.. let's see. i guess on stage during die fledermaus would have to be the best one. especially since i was on the end next to the audience. apart from that... every motet in yr 11? mrs t never noticed though. according to rads everyone was laughing at me though.. hehe. i couldn't help it!
60. Who was your last phone call? i havent called anyone in ages. mum called me though...?
61. Last time you were at work? second day of school, at uniform shop. but, first shift at mcdonalds is on tuesday/wednesday next week :D
62. What's the closest orange object to you? YA FACE. also... a sesame street coles bag that avril gave me. it was full of matches and sparklers when she gave it - a pyromanic christmas present at 10 hour choir '05. ooh, and there was deodorant, too, spray it at a match and you've got a blow-torch... fun times :P

punk-ass nigga

according to andrew, that's what i am. well, that or 'bitch-ass nigga'. such a gentleman. such a politically-correct gentleman. and his descriptions are just so accurate. nigga indeed *snort*

he's annoying because he won't stop calling me that
or shaking me
or hitting me
or sticking his face right in mine
or picking me up
or carrying me around
or making comments about my weight (both ways, one moment i'm fat, the next i'm skinny... : S )
or making my mum shriek (it's not hard)

and we were fighting last night, like wrestling, except not, like, really serious punches, but he dumped me on the floor, and... i don't know why he wears a WWJD wristband, but he does, and it fell off when he dumped me and started kicking me, and it just seemed so funny... i just couldn't stop laughing, he was still kicking me, then he knocked me over and i was still laughing, mum thought i was crying and freaked out...

i always do that, laugh hysterically while i'm being attacked by him

but i feel stupid for bitching about it, because he doesn't really hurt me much. i have no bruises, therefore shut up clairesie.

so in conclusion, it's fine, he's just INCREDIBLY ANNOYING. i'm not being hurt or anything. everyone else has bigger problems than me.

(why do i almost find myself wishing he'd actually hurt me so i could feel sorry for myself without feeling guilty that it's making mountains out of molehills and whinging about nothing?)

on another topic
i wish i wish i wish they would just please leave her the hell alone
do they think they haven't done enough
do they think there's still more left to destroy
what the crap is wrong with them
?!?!?!?!?!

ahem. yes. anyway.

dearohdear

Prayers for Rads' Uncle, his wife, and Rads and her family, especially her sister.

Major hug vibes to Rads. (Not sure how much the other members of her family would appreciate them from me.)

And hope she knows that we're always here for her, no matter what.

...and for goodness sake makes use of this fact. we want to help, dammit, give us a chance to! :P

little brothers are annoying, but this is ridiculous...

andrew is so. freaking. annoying.

amelia came over today. couldn't actually have a proper conversation with her most of the time because SOMEONE wanted to show off how strong they were by PICKING ME UP, properly under knees and shoulders etc, and CARRYING ME DOWN THE FREAKING HALLWAY. repeatedly.

as usual, obviously didn't hurt or anything, but ARGH

and i lost a bit of weight since i last saw him, so now he's all obsessed that he can pretty much bench press ME (far out he's strong, it's really scary)...

and that is all.

also... amelia... tells many different versions of the same story. within hours of telling another one. another completely different one. and i don't like to point it out, cos that would seem like i'm challenging her, but... *confused*...

photos!

ZOMG! looking at priyam's dvd of photos for the first time. ZOMG!!! must meet up with like EVERYONE

someone needs to organise like a cggs 06 party or something, they really do, hehe

silly

clairesie apologises to the von for being a silly, over-reacting, self-indulgent, attention-seeking emo who takes herself far too seriously. tis most inappropriate. clairesie will eat in future. it's the holidays, anyway. she can hardly avoid it.

please to the von to ignore clairesie's silly behaviour. tis not important. HONESTLY. clairesie is fine. she'll work out what to do eventually.

meep

clairesie, this is getting out of hand. stop being crazy. stop it, i say. there must be a better way.

happyyyyyy :D

i am ridiculously happy right now.
i have no idea why.

...but i like it!!

:D :D :D :D :D

maybe i didn't fail the maths test, too

:D :D

and bye

bloggy

just thinking... it's nice to have a blog that i can post almost everything on, and know that someone will probably read it, but only someone who i don't mind reading it...

*hugs to Von*

one might think i might as well just email Von. but Von's not obliged to read it, this way. it's completely up to her.

^_^

trance music

according to Pri, one has to be on drugs to truly appreciate trance music.
i think that's just a theory. but i have a different theory. my theory is that trance music is pretty, and it can be really uplifting. it has a lot of energy, and frequent chordal suspensions also... i dunno, can affect your emotions.

but i concede, perhaps the experience would be more intense under the influence of drugs. like, i can imagine how that would be possible. maybe Pri has some insight :P

hehehehehe

ARGH MATHS ARGH WHYYYYYYYY :(:(:(

helloooo

(addressed to a different someone who is not von...)

i.
don't.
know.
what.
to.
do.

either.

but i can't bring myself to tell you that.

so i'll go ask the internet. as usual. because it has all the answers.
of course it does. i just... haven't found them yet, because i suck.

it's ridiculous to expect myself to have answers that probably even experienced psychologists couldn't give. isn't it. really, it is...

but you told me stuff, so i owe you some help. i'll just write your essay instead :) band-aid solution, yes... but... seriously...

(that is all)

geez. claire. enough with the monologues. far out.

edit: according to google, it seems there's so much in the Bible about personal suffering, like one's own personal suffering... but practically nothing about... i don't know. and the website where people posted prayers, they were all prayers for themselves... and fair enough - from the sound of it, these people were really sad, but... it would be nice to find someone else on the internet who's drowning in misappropriated problems...
(heh. melodramatic much?)

there must be something. there must be. i just can't find it. that doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

not 'why me' but 'why them'... 'why anyone', for that matter... 'why so much'...

eeeeeeeeee

(addressed to someone who is not von.)

AW HELL NO!

you are not going to get rid of me that easily. you just try. no, seriously, see if you can. that's a challenge, and as much as i have faith in you in everything else, i can pretty much guarantee that you'll fail in it. more because i suck at reading social cues than anything else, probably, and even if you make it pretty clear you don't like me, i will just refuse to accept it, and love you anyway.

so good luck, dearie. be the worst company you can. i invite people to scream at me as a form of stress relief all the time. i know they love me anyway. ok, maybe i'm delusional and everyone DOES want to kill me. if they did, i'd understand, honestly, probably even sympathise, i'm pretty annoying after all. but yeah.

yeah. you 'treat [me] badly'. way to listen to all my stupid whingey problems even when yours are a bazillion times worse, and then offer useful advice and words of comfort. JEEZ. some people...

anyway. dude. 'i would be bad company because i've been really down and in a bad mood lately' (summary of what you said). yeah, that's the best way ever of pushing me away. cos i hate hanging around with people who are sad. i avoid it whenever possible. ew, sad people. who would hang out with them? clearly one should just leave them to mope around. yep.

honestly... *rolls eyes*

YOU. ARE. GREAT. bad mood or otherwise. UNDERSTOOD?!

(end specifically-directed rant)

*meaningful look* pray for people who are down and unhappy to be as happy as they deserve to be

which is THIS much

^______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________^ times infinity

please don't speculate on who that was directed at... possibly the one person whose problems i have NOT yet spilt about... ehehe... hmm.

wheeeeeee

I did sleep last night. Didn't mean to, but yeah. I don't think the maths test went very well, but oh well.

Dreams are weird. I never dream... except occasionally, and it's always something sad or bad, recently, so wake up anxious/upset, which is lame. And the theme is generally something based (if vaguely) on something real, too, (obviously someone else's problem as i have none of my own) so it's not just like i dreamt mum was in a plane crash or something that is horrible but fairly unlikely...

but i really, really, really have no right to complain about weird dreams, or indeed anything. so.

YAAAAAAY SOMETHINGOROTHER!!!

i got a job at maccas :D:D

bible study group is really nice :D:D

...more happy stuff! obviously there's heaps more, i've just forgotten it because i'm a vague, vague little girl... hehehe :D:D:D

awake?! nooooo

WHY AM I STILL NOT EVEN TIRED

?!?!?!?!

up since 8, after 5 hours sleep, was tired enough to sleep in comp lecture (not that that implies much tiredness)

ARGH

well i suppose it's good. am actually doing maths, like, the week before the test. for pretty much the first time ever. and by ever... well, you know what i mean by ever. hyperbole has not occurred.

so i'll probably fall asleep at like 6am and wake up at midday and be like OH CRAP I'VE MISSED 2 COMPULSORY TUTES. as one is. how annoying.

YAY... and hmm. yes, again. did you really expect something different?

YAY!!! RADS CALLED ME!!! it's so good to talk to her again. not sure what happened in the 3 weeks in between, but... who cares! at least i have proof she still exists. which, you know, sounds stupid, but... yeah. YAAAAAAYYY!!! HAPPYHAPPYHAPPY to hear from her ^_^

and to the hmm.

so, 'K~'... every time i've spoken to you this year, you've said something about leaving the past in the past, and something about things being intense. now you've told me you're taking a year off to refocus after the worst year of your life, and to think of the 3 things i would hate most to go through... and then said you're getting too emotional thinking about it and have to go to sleep. might i add, at 2 30am.

please let it not be your mum... i inadvertently stole your pen at some point in 2005... it's from the national palliative care program, and i doubt it was in your pencil case randomly, considering what you told me about her...

i know someone's voice screwed up last year - temporarily, though.

and i'm wondering if she's in major denial about how well she's coping. first it's all 'an intense summer/year/whatever, but nothing 'K~' can't handle', and now it's 'think of the 3 things you'd most hate to go through'. the two aren't mutually exclusive, but i... hope she's ok, i really do... funny, a 'yr 11' getting all protective about a 'yr 12' (cos that's what we are, really :P) but maybe not really all that funny, when you think about it...

so if anyone who reads or writes on this blog is running out of people to pray for... and worry about...

*manic laughter*

now clairesie, that was really quite uncalled for

oops

hmm. turns out i'm not QUITE as indestructible as evidence had previously led me to believe. practically fainted at red cross stall today... as in, i couldn't hear or see properly and would've fallen over if i hadn't sat down quickly and curled up against a cold wall with a bottle of water. and i think one of the people working at the stall thought i was being slack. the other one noticed i looked sick though hehe.

so, note to self, it's a good idea to at least eat SOMETHING before climbing up the stairs to the library. oops.

anyway, ate dinner, and dessert, and chocolate, so all good now. :D hehehehehe hmm.

incidentally, that has NEVER happened before. i've felt like that once, that i can recall, which was just after a blood test. actually fell over then, on my way to sit down on a chair. but yeah.

but it's amazing... it's so easy to get worried and upset about things normally, but when very hungry, one is so delightfully vague... which i suppose is bad, because one is making oneself not care... but still, it's a nice break.

CANBERRA YAY meep

went home for weekend and SAW LOTS OF PEEPS which was GREAT and i've missed you all so much and it was really nice to see everyone.

sorry von, i'm going to have to run out of things to whinge about sooner or later, but for now...
EDIT: this doesn't matter so much any more. don't take any notice of this. am fine now.

mum was cranky at me for the whole weekend, except for the part where she was animatedly complaining about one of the contributors for the book of essays she's editing. i'm serious, the whole rest of the weekend she was cranky, and so i was cranky back at her, and it was all bad. she hasn't been sleeping well, though, so i can't really blame her... but still, it wasn't as much fun as i'd hoped the weekend would be.

also... went clubbing, under the pretense of being at bori's place, and had an awful time because i was mopey to begin with, had just had enormous fight with mum over something stupid before coming out, and then she started ringing me and stuff. lying to my mum is INCREDIBLY stressful. i don't think i can do it any more. i don't think i will. and it wasn't worth it anyway.

and... just before i left for sydney again, mum busted me for 'being down' and said she thought i hadn't been sleeping and had been 'starving myself', and stuff, again. i'll concede the sleeping one, but starving myself... what? i assure you, i don't have that kind of self-control. and she said i used to starve myself, but she only mentioned this this year. i lost 5 kg in the first term of yr 11, purely by skipping meals, and she didn't say a word. i don't get it. incidentally, after that i met kita, and ate far more frequently. bori was too easy to avoid hehe. but back to the point. do i
-look- like i'm starving myself to you? i'm going a 'no' on that one...

stresstimes:
mathsmathsmathsmathsmaths (not assumed knowledge, just everything else...!!!!!!)
mum thinks i'm sick/depressed/insomniac/anorexic (I'M NOT, SERIOUSLY)
no friends here :(
stupid 'choirboy' (as known to pri) who i'm definitely avoiding now...
sick peeps (R, R, J, anyone else?)
sad peeps (R, there must be more... 2xAs are ok atm i think, not so sure about another A...)
running out of money and credit and need a job
:( rads hasn't spoken to me since i bailed on her birthday... maybe it's just she's been uber busy and her msn's screwed up like before, but... i emailed her to explain too, and msged on the night... hehe i sound like a stalker, hey, whoops, maybe that's why...
PRIYAM'S LEAVING i know i can't talk cos i already left but... :(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

there we go. now clairesie is less stressed, but von is more stressed about clairesie. once again, an ethical dilemma about whether i should actually post this.

sorry von... *presses orange button*...

oh great... yep, von, another whinge post

to person 1:
i'm sorry, i'm just hopelessly, disgustingly, horrifically socially inept. i couldn't start a conversation to save my life. or probably even someone elses. i'm sorry to have ruined your evening so.

to person 2:
where were you?!?! i was really, really worried, and that meant i was even more socially inept, and i couldn't come up with anything other than 'i feel sick' to explain it. hope you had a great birthday though, and a great night out once you finally got there.

von, neither of these are directed at you. i'll explain some time when i'm less ARGH...

and great, someone started the rumour that it was a date, when i specifically told them it was a mutual friend's birthday celebration. joy. i'm thinking it's lucky i have an awful lot of maths to learn, alone, in my room....

erg

if you thought the other posts were weird...

i don't get it... how is it that you can love someone so much, so very very much that you'd do pretty much anything for them, and still not be able to stop them from hurting?

it's so fundamental to being human, and yet i've never been able to understand it. probably never will.

just... thinking about the amount of emotional energy expended for some people because of some things... there must be some way to channel it into something that would actually help the situation, there must... mustn't there?

i wonder, if someone knew that the person they were talking to felt like they almost couldn't stand it, being filled with so much sadness and love for them... would it help?

would they believe it?

maybe all the love in the world can't fix some things... maybe some things can't be fixed... but that's the most horrible, cruel, condemning, forsaking idea in the world.

even if i could get my head around the first concept, and could accept that people are going to suffer no matter how much i care for them... it wouldn't be right to accept that. wouldn't you have moral issues just accepting that some people's lives are going to suck no matter what? the serenity to accept the things i cannot change... is all very well. but acceptance just seems too close to apathy...

look, i'm just tired and a bit sick and stressed out and overly emotional. i should NOT blog when i'm like this. this post is staying up for 48 hours only, and hopefully no-one sees it if they shouldn't.

Von, you'll probably laugh if i say this after all of that crap, but please don't worry, about me anyway. I'm fine. I'd be more fine if everyone else was fine too, but I'm well enough. I eat, I sleep, and walking is healthy. I cry, but only a little more than a normal amount. Which is understandable, cos i've just moved to the wrong city and started a course for which i have nowhere near the expected background knowledge. stress much? fine, i'm not crying about that, but... oh whatever. we must talk sometime. and i must work out what i can say :P

there's a girl here with anorexia. she's a 2nd year. her name is claire, too - spelt the right way. she's really nice, and she's in the college christian group, though she doesn't go to unichurch, possibly because there's supper afterwards, possibly for some other reason. i've only known her for a week, but seeing her, and seeing her flitting through the dining room at mealtimes, is really sad... wow, i need to grow a thicker skin, honestly. and stop collecting people to worry about. there are already too many.

*stamps in manner of petulant child* why can't i FIX them? it's NOT FAIR

...anyway, moving right along... for the record, it's almost 3, if that excuses my strangeness... no? oh... ok... well... goodnight...

byeeee love clairesie :)

stuff

sigh. college. ooh, giant cockroach.

just now, i'm really, really angry at Indian law. don't ask why. i just really am. looking at some of their laws, i actually feel kinda nauseous. mostly they're a great country, i'm sure, but looking at this... wow.

uni is weird. i slept through my first lecture ever. like, i woke up at 9 30 when it started at 9. actually kinda had a feeling that would happen. but yeah. was going to try and sneak in but there weren't any free seats near the door, so i didn't have the guts and just went and read the textbook in the library. same thing really, i'm sure.......?

got to stop crying in churchy type things. sometimes i almost want someone to notice and ask what's wrong, but i know if they did it would be awful. still. no-one's ever noticed. even boz walking back from boho chapel, or glebe people in house chapel. hehehe. actually i'm not entirely sure why that's funny.

whoops. this is the wrong blog for this type of mopey writing. i have an anonymous blog for that. but... oh whatever, can't be bothered to delete it now.

WHY AM I TIRED ALL THE TIME looks like it's caffeine addiction time again... hehehehehe

oh, and the food here is pretty crappy, and the whole uni is on a campus the approximate size of canberra (or seems like), on a gigantic hill. so THAT's why so many of the old girls are thin... hehe

discrete maths is interesting. it's like logic and stuff. i did well at that when we did it in IT...? but then the lecturer said even though the official prerequisite is >=100 in HSC 3unit maths, the course is pretty hard, so if you got less than 125 you should probably wait and do it next semester. considering that i haven't even done 3 unit maths, well or otherwise... hmm. oh well, i'll do my best i guess, whatevs.

anyway, byebyes, love clairesie :)

argh!

...i can't stop crying! it's weird.
well i mean i can stop, but just randomly start again all the time... you know.

i don't want to leave anymore! why am i going? what the hell? i'm an idiot

stuff isn't meant to change... and if i go i'll drift away from people, it's inevitable, and that's the most horrible thought in the world.

yup. i'm officially retarded.

anyway, bye guys, better go pack and stuff...

:(

timezones!

it has come to my attention that this blog is saying my posts are posted 5 hours after they actually are. for example, it's 1 08 now.

a pointedly happy post

ok, making a point of posting a happy blog today!

-yesterday and today, rode bike around part of the lake - across scrivener dam at one end, through yarralumla and back across commonwealth bridge - took a bit over 2 hours. bike riding is good, it makes me tired but in a good way, and it's really good for my heart and general fitness, and i can think about things without getting caught up in them...

-i just realised - andrew hasn't been violent towards me pretty much at all for quite a while now! he's been weird, sure, and obsessed with body size and making comments which at times i wish he wouldn't, and he's carried me around the house for some reason, and always wants to arm-wrestle... but he actually hasn't attacked me at all in ages! i think he's been less nice to my mum though, which sucks...

(and nobody will hopefully understand this, but i'll post it for my own benefit) - still haven't screwed up that badhabit-breaking thing woot! um yeah. cool.

see? i can post happy blogs! i can! i must do it more often. in fact, always.

anyway byebyes :) love clairesie

yawn

why is it that every time i blog i write mopey stuff?

today i was just down, all day, and i dunno why. poor diet, possible vitamin deficiency, weird sleep. that would explain it. all my fault obviously, so complaining is inappropriate. if only i could get my head to accept this logic.

i'm happy. i'm on the way to breaking a bad habit. though now i'm getting to the point where i think about it rather a lot. but that's ok. if i can break this habit, everything will be grand. it really will.

and it seems like i owe somebody the truth about something, but it's a truth which will make them sad... lame.

i can't think of anything else to say. a happier post soon, i promise. perhaps if i post at a time other than the middle of the night.
...nah. that's a ridiculous idea. what evs.

anyway, byebyes :) love clairesie

told you i'd post again...

my tummy hurts. this would be due to today's diet of pure sugar. no, seriously. almost literally. this will be another learning experience. either proper food or nothing tomorrow. better be the former.

why did i just start crying when reading Von's blog? perhaps i'm attaching too much mope to everything she writes. then again, 'i took a harsh look at myself and hated what i saw' is kinda... well, if it wasn't meant to be mopey, it's very easily misinterpreted. poor Vonnie.

Von, if you're reading this, i'm probably just far too tired and have read too much depressing fanfiction or something. i'm not worrying... yet :P. only wondering. it's a fine line between them though...

i'm going to miss everyone more than i can imagine this year. as it was, last year, i kept 'seeing' Rads around school, and as for Kita... the boarding house felt empty. there's no other way to describe it. Boz was a wonderful friend, but... a lot of lonely moping occurred nonetheless. and i mean a lot. and i had Boz and Pri and Von and Jamsin and everyone there in the library every day.

so what the hell am i going to do without you guys there every day? i need you people. i don't need (much) sleep, i don't need (hardly any) food, but i do need you.

on that topic, thank you so much for always being there for me, for being more like my mum than my mum (sometimes) and reminding me not to accidentally kill myself through pure laziness or caffeine abuse :P

i was meant to make a speech at my party. i couldn't make a proper one, because if i'd done you guys justice, i would've upset my mum, who already resents the fact that i care so much about peeps and apparently, according to her, not so much about family. but that's another story to be explained at another time.

i should go to bed. i've already broken one of the blog resolutions i made an hour ago about putting spills or whatevs in posts. and i have work tomorrow. fuuuuun :P

byebyes :) love clairesie

this blog...

...will not be yet another abandoned blog
...will not be filled with ridiculous whinges, almost calculated to make readers worry
...will not be simply another unnecessary True Nature of Random storage box

this blog will...
...have almost-frequent posts
...have posts worth reading
...be subtle, but be subtle about being subtle. no obvious veiled comments, i mean.

...and that's about all i can think of. i will post again later. first i must comment on Von's blog.