hellooo

(and this one's from now)

no matter what she says, i still can't help but feel guilty about spilling to someone who has 'RIP' in their msn name...

but it's ok, now. i think. talking was good, anyway... made clairesie much less upset, anyway. how selfish of clairesie.

meepmeepmeep

i have a 'just eat, loser' sign on my desk now :P
(cos that really was kinda getting out of hand...)
and i'm going to do some work tonight
and i'm going to go to all my lectures unless i'm actually DOING something else that's productive, not just bumming and like '..nah... can't be stuffed...' or like 'i'll ... study... here... instead...'
and i'm going to socialise. at least a little bit. instead of bumming around alone and then moping about it.
and i'm going to put up a sign saying the nice stuff she told me to make me confident about socialising, too. i don't care if she made it up. maybe if i teach myself it, i'll become it. *convinces self...*
*makes sign, thinks 'yeah, right, if only...'*
*worries that if clairesie actually believed that, she would be most dreadfully conceited...*
hehehe oh well.

PRIYAM GET BACK HERE
(sorry, have been posting that everywhere, regardless of whether pri's likely to read it or not lol)
:P

must make her cookies! dearohdear! but when?
and mum's going to kill me if i decide to stay overnight at bori's. but if i don't, i'll only get to stay there for like an hour, considering the time the bus gets to canberra and the time i would need to take a taxi to get home by midnight :( dilemmas, dilemmas... spontaneous painful death or hardly ever seeing pri again... ARGH

maybe with further negotiations mum'll see my point of view...
fat chance. she knows i want to see pri. she just doesn't care because she wants to see me, and i always spend heaps of time with friends whenever i go home, and she's annoyed at me for that. she thinks i care about them more than i care about her. which isn't true. it really isn't.

ah well. we'll see how things go.

lonely

(wrote this on saturday morning, saved as draft, wasn't sure if i should post it, seeing how many mopey posts i've made recently... but here it is, anyway..)

...lonelyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

and i know it's my fault. but i'm either really tired/vague, or studying/frantically working on assignment/etc, or talking to someone on msn (and it's like, if i have to go to a lecture, they're like 'you'll be back in an hour though?')

now i just really want to go home... and stay there... why the crap am i here anyway?
but i'll never end up doing anything about it. i'll just be stuck here till i get kicked out for failing too many things, or for being retarded and forgetting to eat for too long, or whatever.

yup. i'm not happy here. haven't really been happy here ever, that i can think of. and after the holidays, when in spite of various crappy aspects of home/drew/wtevz, i got to see people i know & love, bum with littleradhika heaps, and.. and.. i just want to go home.

HYPERACTIVE!!!!!

...sigh. not in a good way.

not caffeine. not.. well maybe sugar, considering recent fluctuations. but i'm pretty sure it's psychological/emotional.

it doesn't matter. it's just annoying. clairesie's crazy.

strange

clairesie has the strangest meaningless conversations with herself when vague... this was written in her book during a lecture...

meep! ohdearohdear
are you fine?
um, no?
oh, ok...
don't worry about it
of course not...
...you're worrying, aren't you...
...what? me? no, why would you think...
stop lying. it really doesn't work.
i'm not...
yep. whatever.
well... it's just because...
stop worrying. it makes things worse
(they're already worse)
what was that?
...don't worry about it...

it doesn't mean anything, it was just something i wrote when very vague. i've written weirder stuff. perhaps i could use it in some strange kind of fanfiction... or not... i dunno. clairesie should study maths now, and stop reading the weird notes she wrote when she was asleep :P
note to self: don't ever show anyone your notebooks, they would think you're insane. i'm not, really. i'm just asleep when i write stuff. i can't be held responsible for stuff i write when i'm asleep :P

MATHSTIME

argh

STOP BEING SICK EVERYONE

PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE

do you want my guts? you can have my guts. you can have anything. just GET BETTER PLEASE...

...i'm scared to lose you :(

*mega health vibes to RRJ*

...back to college. back to a great start: maths test tomorrow and i've hardly looked at the work, let alone studied. oh dear :P at least my group likes me now, cos i gave them cookies and cake and easter eggs hehehe. well they liked me before, but they like me more now :P

copin indeed

...i don't know why someone would say they were coping if they actually were.

*ponders what to do about it*

colourful blog quiz

:: Blue is anger ::
1. Are you currently mad at someone?
Not actively mad. There are a few people I would not mind punching in the face, though, if the opportunity presented itself. That's quite unlikely though.
2. Which of your family members has the worst temper?
Probably Dad.. or Andrew... i dunno.
3.Have you ever thrown something at anyone?
Probably. Can't think of a specific instance though. And it wouldn't've been in anger.. except maybe my bro... oh i don't know.
4. Is anyone mad at you?
..if they know i'm awake, then yes..
5. Are you usually mad?
um.. no, not really, not really at all. sad, maybe, but not mad.
6. When you're mad do you prefer to stare angrily or yell?
I've been mad at someone who isn't my brother once in my life, and.. i talked reeally snarkily to mr mcguigan about how if he didn't put Jasmine in a debating team there was no way we were going to win anything ever again. Which was essentially true. Apparently I was quite scary. It was fun :P But apart from that, I generally just accept stuff and then go away and cry. Or stare silently. Or, if it's my brother, push him back, or 'YA FACE' his sorry arse.. :P

:: Orange is excitement ::
1. Has anyone ever thrown a surprise party for you?
nope... unless the party for Frankie and me (we had the same birthday :) ) at the beginning of yr 11 was one.. like, i didn't know about it.. can't remember if it was actually meant to be a surprise or if i was just antisocial and vague though :P
2. What event is coming up that you're most excited about?
i dunno... can't think of anything much...
3. If you won a million dollars, what would be your first thought?
YAY
4. If you could have anything right now what would it be?
the whole concept of young people dying of sickness to disappear

:: Yellow is self-discovery ::
1.Your name: Claire
2. Birthday: 10th of February
3. What is your main goal in life? to... i don't know. help as many people as i can? to never turn someone away if they need something and i can do something about it? to always listen, no matter what? and to have the prudence not to whinge at people at times when they want to talk about stuff too..
4. Do you want to have children?
Yeah.. one day.. though i can't really imagine..
5.When do you want to die?
NOW *jumps* :P or, failing that, i dunno, just.. not while i'm still possibly useful to people, if that makes sense.

:: Green is opinions ::
1. Are you against gay marriage?
I don't know. Legal recognition of their partnership, with ceremony if they wish, is certainly appropriate, but marriage.. might have other aspects that don't quite apply to that... if that makes any sense.
2. Lower the drinking age?
What's the point?
4. Abortion?
Depends far too much on circumstances to make a general statement. As a repeated method of contraception, definitely morally wrong. Adopted kids so often end up screwed-up... but then so do all kids. It's up to the mother in the end, she's the one who has to live with it. Unless for some medical reason I had to have one, I'd.. do anything to avoid it..

:: Red is love ::
1. Do you love someone?
I love EVERYONE
2.Do you miss your ex ?
Ex, eh...
3. Do you believe in love at first sight?
You have to at least have a conversation with someone to fall in love with them :P not that I would know, but.. I don't see how it would work, otherwise. Like, you could fall in love with their face...? How much can you tell about someone from first sight, anyway?
4. Do you believe in love?
No. I hate everyone. Ew....that's a yes, by the way :P

:: Pink is life ::
The last...
1. Person you saw: Andrew?
2. Person you sent a text message to: Radhika
3. Movie watched in cinema: Becoming Jane
4. Song you listened to: The Middle - Jimmy Eat World
5. Person talked to on the phone: Mum

:: Grey is today ::
1. What are you doing right now?Filling in a quiz and talking to peeps on MSN.
2. What are you doing tonight?Filling in quizzes and talking to peeps on MSN.
3. What are you going to eat? Nothing else.

blog quiz. bored? not me... *cough*

1. What are your initials? CLJ
2. What is your favorite thing to wear? elmo t-shirt and jeans :P
3. Last thing you ate? bit of leftover easter egg
4. I say Shotgun, you say? ...*grumble*...
5. Last person you hugged? um.. Von?
7. How many U.S states have you been to? none. and what happened to question 6?
8. How many of the U.S states have you lived in? all of the ones i've been to
9. Does anyone you know wanna date you? um...? i don't know. he used to :S
10. Name something you like physically about yourself? i... have... the same number of arms and legs and fingers and toes and eyes as most people i know :P
11. Who is/are your best friend(s)? Von, Pri
12.Why are you still up? it's only 10 34pm! mum's trying to get me to sleep now though. hahahahahahaha
13. Who/What made you angry today? my bro... sometimes it scares me how much i actually want to hit him :S
14. Favorite type of Food? depends
15. Favorite holidays? i wish these holidays were longer!
16. Do you download music? constantly :P
17. Do you care if your socks are dirty? *cough* *looks away* depends on circumstances...
18. Would you date the person who posted this? actually lulu, there's something i've been meaning to tell you... :P but it would never work out between us, long distance, you know...
19. Has anyone ever sang or played for you personally? um.. mum?
20. Do you love anyone? i love EVERYONE. except people who hurt people i love lots. those people i frown at most intensely.
21. Do you like Bush? i'm sure he has a wonderful personality.
22. Have you ever bungee jumped? yes, in all the american states i visited
23. Have you ever gone white-water rafting? yes, after bungee jumping
24. Has anyone ten years older than you ever hit on you? er.. not.. that i've been aware of.. *twitch*
25. How much money ya got in ya pocket? a dollar for every american state i've lived in
26. Have you met a real redneck? ya mum's face is a real redneck
27. How is the weather right now? night-time and very quiet
28. What are you listening to right now? nothing, but 'how to save a life' by the fray has been stuck in my head all day.
29. What is your current fav song? ya face is a fav song
30. What was the last movie you watched? Click, just then
31. Do you wear contacts? does ya mum? well, no, regardless. glasses though
32. Where was the last place you went besides your house? belco mall with grandma
33. What are you afraid of? friends or family being hurt or sad or dying..
34. How many piercings have you had? none
35. How many pets do you have? 2, dog who i've had since prep, and jasper, my evil vampire b/cat who likes the taste of blood :S :P
36. What's one thing you've learned? be careful when going to the unsw library on a very empty tummy. just.. be careful. it's usually fine though.
37. What do you usually order from Starbucks? vanilla latte, mm :P
38. Have you ever fired a gun? wanna know the reason why i had to move around to live in so many american states? and why i no longer live in US jurisdiction? you don't? good answer...
39. Are you missing someone? since ages: kitaaaaaaaa.. since this year: vonpriradhikaboz and everyonnneeeee
40. Fave TV show? house, ncis... but never watch it at college
41. Do you have an iPod? only discman
42. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celeb? i apparently looked a bit like the girl who played hermione granger, before she grew up and started looking like a celeb herself :P
43. Who would you like to see right now? lots of people... all the peeps i haven't seen in ages... pri, way to fly out the day before i got back... also rads so i can give her a hug... i dunno who else. santa claus?
44. Favorite movie of all time? um... i don't know! pirates of caribbean 1? thirteen i watched multiple times in one evening... i am sam is beautiful...
45. Do you find yourself loved? no, everyone clearly hates me *turns away melodramatically*
...*snort* yeah, maybe just a little :P dunno why though
46. Favourite Flower(s)? the wooden ones on my dressing table
48. Butter, plain, or salted popcorn? um.. i usually don't eat popcorn. plain is healthy though
49. What Magazines are you reading? i sometimes look at the ones with stuff about peeps like lindsay lohan/mary-kate olsen/britney spears and feel sorry for them, poor women... but i'd be more likely to buy APC or Computer World or New Scientist :P that said, i'm not reading any at the moment hehe
50. Have you ever ridden in a limo? had to travel round the US somehow, didn't i?
51. Has anyone you were really close to passed away recently? no, thank goodness. pray for those who would say yes to that though..
52. What's something that really bugs you? me. complaining. all the time. when everyone else is worse off than me. ..practically..
53. Do you like Michael Jackson? i try not to think too much about Michael Jackson. he's a strange sort of fellow.
54. What's your favorite smell? yeah, rain...
56. Favorite cereal? haven't eaten cereal in YEARS. literally.
57. What's the longest time you've gone without sleep? hehehehehe i dunno about 40 hours i guess. i'm prouder of my '10 hours over a week' effort. in the way that it was a horrible experience which i hope never to repeat. well, only the counsellor bit. but still.
58. Last time you went bowling? i dunno... music captains meeting before yr 12?
59. Where is the weirdest place you have slept? um.. let's see. i guess on stage during die fledermaus would have to be the best one. especially since i was on the end next to the audience. apart from that... every motet in yr 11? mrs t never noticed though. according to rads everyone was laughing at me though.. hehe. i couldn't help it!
60. Who was your last phone call? i havent called anyone in ages. mum called me though...?
61. Last time you were at work? second day of school, at uniform shop. but, first shift at mcdonalds is on tuesday/wednesday next week :D
62. What's the closest orange object to you? YA FACE. also... a sesame street coles bag that avril gave me. it was full of matches and sparklers when she gave it - a pyromanic christmas present at 10 hour choir '05. ooh, and there was deodorant, too, spray it at a match and you've got a blow-torch... fun times :P

punk-ass nigga

according to andrew, that's what i am. well, that or 'bitch-ass nigga'. such a gentleman. such a politically-correct gentleman. and his descriptions are just so accurate. nigga indeed *snort*

he's annoying because he won't stop calling me that
or shaking me
or hitting me
or sticking his face right in mine
or picking me up
or carrying me around
or making comments about my weight (both ways, one moment i'm fat, the next i'm skinny... : S )
or making my mum shriek (it's not hard)

and we were fighting last night, like wrestling, except not, like, really serious punches, but he dumped me on the floor, and... i don't know why he wears a WWJD wristband, but he does, and it fell off when he dumped me and started kicking me, and it just seemed so funny... i just couldn't stop laughing, he was still kicking me, then he knocked me over and i was still laughing, mum thought i was crying and freaked out...

i always do that, laugh hysterically while i'm being attacked by him

but i feel stupid for bitching about it, because he doesn't really hurt me much. i have no bruises, therefore shut up clairesie.

so in conclusion, it's fine, he's just INCREDIBLY ANNOYING. i'm not being hurt or anything. everyone else has bigger problems than me.

(why do i almost find myself wishing he'd actually hurt me so i could feel sorry for myself without feeling guilty that it's making mountains out of molehills and whinging about nothing?)

on another topic
i wish i wish i wish they would just please leave her the hell alone
do they think they haven't done enough
do they think there's still more left to destroy
what the crap is wrong with them
?!?!?!?!?!

ahem. yes. anyway.

dearohdear

Prayers for Rads' Uncle, his wife, and Rads and her family, especially her sister.

Major hug vibes to Rads. (Not sure how much the other members of her family would appreciate them from me.)

And hope she knows that we're always here for her, no matter what.

...and for goodness sake makes use of this fact. we want to help, dammit, give us a chance to! :P

little brothers are annoying, but this is ridiculous...

andrew is so. freaking. annoying.

amelia came over today. couldn't actually have a proper conversation with her most of the time because SOMEONE wanted to show off how strong they were by PICKING ME UP, properly under knees and shoulders etc, and CARRYING ME DOWN THE FREAKING HALLWAY. repeatedly.

as usual, obviously didn't hurt or anything, but ARGH

and i lost a bit of weight since i last saw him, so now he's all obsessed that he can pretty much bench press ME (far out he's strong, it's really scary)...

and that is all.

also... amelia... tells many different versions of the same story. within hours of telling another one. another completely different one. and i don't like to point it out, cos that would seem like i'm challenging her, but... *confused*...

photos!

ZOMG! looking at priyam's dvd of photos for the first time. ZOMG!!! must meet up with like EVERYONE

someone needs to organise like a cggs 06 party or something, they really do, hehe

silly

clairesie apologises to the von for being a silly, over-reacting, self-indulgent, attention-seeking emo who takes herself far too seriously. tis most inappropriate. clairesie will eat in future. it's the holidays, anyway. she can hardly avoid it.

please to the von to ignore clairesie's silly behaviour. tis not important. HONESTLY. clairesie is fine. she'll work out what to do eventually.

meep

clairesie, this is getting out of hand. stop being crazy. stop it, i say. there must be a better way.

happyyyyyy :D

i am ridiculously happy right now.
i have no idea why.

...but i like it!!

:D :D :D :D :D

maybe i didn't fail the maths test, too

:D :D

and bye