just thinking... it's nice to have a blog that i can post almost everything on, and know that someone will probably read it, but only someone who i don't mind reading it...
*hugs to Von*
one might think i might as well just email Von. but Von's not obliged to read it, this way. it's completely up to her.
^_^
Saturday, March 31, 2007
trance music
according to Pri, one has to be on drugs to truly appreciate trance music.
i think that's just a theory. but i have a different theory. my theory is that trance music is pretty, and it can be really uplifting. it has a lot of energy, and frequent chordal suspensions also... i dunno, can affect your emotions.
but i concede, perhaps the experience would be more intense under the influence of drugs. like, i can imagine how that would be possible. maybe Pri has some insight :P
hehehehehe
ARGH MATHS ARGH WHYYYYYYYY :(:(:(
i think that's just a theory. but i have a different theory. my theory is that trance music is pretty, and it can be really uplifting. it has a lot of energy, and frequent chordal suspensions also... i dunno, can affect your emotions.
but i concede, perhaps the experience would be more intense under the influence of drugs. like, i can imagine how that would be possible. maybe Pri has some insight :P
hehehehehe
ARGH MATHS ARGH WHYYYYYYYY :(:(:(
Friday, March 30, 2007
helloooo
(addressed to a different someone who is not von...)
i.
don't.
know.
what.
to.
do.
either.
but i can't bring myself to tell you that.
so i'll go ask the internet. as usual. because it has all the answers.
of course it does. i just... haven't found them yet, because i suck.
it's ridiculous to expect myself to have answers that probably even experienced psychologists couldn't give. isn't it. really, it is...
but you told me stuff, so i owe you some help. i'll just write your essay instead :) band-aid solution, yes... but... seriously...
(that is all)
geez. claire. enough with the monologues. far out.
edit: according to google, it seems there's so much in the Bible about personal suffering, like one's own personal suffering... but practically nothing about... i don't know. and the website where people posted prayers, they were all prayers for themselves... and fair enough - from the sound of it, these people were really sad, but... it would be nice to find someone else on the internet who's drowning in misappropriated problems...
(heh. melodramatic much?)
there must be something. there must be. i just can't find it. that doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
not 'why me' but 'why them'... 'why anyone', for that matter... 'why so much'...
i.
don't.
know.
what.
to.
do.
either.
but i can't bring myself to tell you that.
so i'll go ask the internet. as usual. because it has all the answers.
of course it does. i just... haven't found them yet, because i suck.
it's ridiculous to expect myself to have answers that probably even experienced psychologists couldn't give. isn't it. really, it is...
but you told me stuff, so i owe you some help. i'll just write your essay instead :) band-aid solution, yes... but... seriously...
(that is all)
geez. claire. enough with the monologues. far out.
edit: according to google, it seems there's so much in the Bible about personal suffering, like one's own personal suffering... but practically nothing about... i don't know. and the website where people posted prayers, they were all prayers for themselves... and fair enough - from the sound of it, these people were really sad, but... it would be nice to find someone else on the internet who's drowning in misappropriated problems...
(heh. melodramatic much?)
there must be something. there must be. i just can't find it. that doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
not 'why me' but 'why them'... 'why anyone', for that matter... 'why so much'...
Thursday, March 29, 2007
eeeeeeeeee
(addressed to someone who is not von.)
AW HELL NO!
you are not going to get rid of me that easily. you just try. no, seriously, see if you can. that's a challenge, and as much as i have faith in you in everything else, i can pretty much guarantee that you'll fail in it. more because i suck at reading social cues than anything else, probably, and even if you make it pretty clear you don't like me, i will just refuse to accept it, and love you anyway.
so good luck, dearie. be the worst company you can. i invite people to scream at me as a form of stress relief all the time. i know they love me anyway. ok, maybe i'm delusional and everyone DOES want to kill me. if they did, i'd understand, honestly, probably even sympathise, i'm pretty annoying after all. but yeah.
yeah. you 'treat [me] badly'. way to listen to all my stupid whingey problems even when yours are a bazillion times worse, and then offer useful advice and words of comfort. JEEZ. some people...
anyway. dude. 'i would be bad company because i've been really down and in a bad mood lately' (summary of what you said). yeah, that's the best way ever of pushing me away. cos i hate hanging around with people who are sad. i avoid it whenever possible. ew, sad people. who would hang out with them? clearly one should just leave them to mope around. yep.
honestly... *rolls eyes*
YOU. ARE. GREAT. bad mood or otherwise. UNDERSTOOD?!
(end specifically-directed rant)
*meaningful look* pray for people who are down and unhappy to be as happy as they deserve to be
which is THIS much
^______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________^ times infinity
please don't speculate on who that was directed at... possibly the one person whose problems i have NOT yet spilt about... ehehe... hmm.
AW HELL NO!
you are not going to get rid of me that easily. you just try. no, seriously, see if you can. that's a challenge, and as much as i have faith in you in everything else, i can pretty much guarantee that you'll fail in it. more because i suck at reading social cues than anything else, probably, and even if you make it pretty clear you don't like me, i will just refuse to accept it, and love you anyway.
so good luck, dearie. be the worst company you can. i invite people to scream at me as a form of stress relief all the time. i know they love me anyway. ok, maybe i'm delusional and everyone DOES want to kill me. if they did, i'd understand, honestly, probably even sympathise, i'm pretty annoying after all. but yeah.
yeah. you 'treat [me] badly'. way to listen to all my stupid whingey problems even when yours are a bazillion times worse, and then offer useful advice and words of comfort. JEEZ. some people...
anyway. dude. 'i would be bad company because i've been really down and in a bad mood lately' (summary of what you said). yeah, that's the best way ever of pushing me away. cos i hate hanging around with people who are sad. i avoid it whenever possible. ew, sad people. who would hang out with them? clearly one should just leave them to mope around. yep.
honestly... *rolls eyes*
YOU. ARE. GREAT. bad mood or otherwise. UNDERSTOOD?!
(end specifically-directed rant)
*meaningful look* pray for people who are down and unhappy to be as happy as they deserve to be
which is THIS much
^______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________^ times infinity
please don't speculate on who that was directed at... possibly the one person whose problems i have NOT yet spilt about... ehehe... hmm.
wheeeeeee
I did sleep last night. Didn't mean to, but yeah. I don't think the maths test went very well, but oh well.
Dreams are weird. I never dream... except occasionally, and it's always something sad or bad, recently, so wake up anxious/upset, which is lame. And the theme is generally something based (if vaguely) on something real, too, (obviously someone else's problem as i have none of my own) so it's not just like i dreamt mum was in a plane crash or something that is horrible but fairly unlikely...
but i really, really, really have no right to complain about weird dreams, or indeed anything. so.
YAAAAAAY SOMETHINGOROTHER!!!
i got a job at maccas :D:D
bible study group is really nice :D:D
...more happy stuff! obviously there's heaps more, i've just forgotten it because i'm a vague, vague little girl... hehehe :D:D:D
Dreams are weird. I never dream... except occasionally, and it's always something sad or bad, recently, so wake up anxious/upset, which is lame. And the theme is generally something based (if vaguely) on something real, too, (obviously someone else's problem as i have none of my own) so it's not just like i dreamt mum was in a plane crash or something that is horrible but fairly unlikely...
but i really, really, really have no right to complain about weird dreams, or indeed anything. so.
YAAAAAAY SOMETHINGOROTHER!!!
i got a job at maccas :D:D
bible study group is really nice :D:D
...more happy stuff! obviously there's heaps more, i've just forgotten it because i'm a vague, vague little girl... hehehe :D:D:D
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
awake?! nooooo
WHY AM I STILL NOT EVEN TIRED
?!?!?!?!
up since 8, after 5 hours sleep, was tired enough to sleep in comp lecture (not that that implies much tiredness)
ARGH
well i suppose it's good. am actually doing maths, like, the week before the test. for pretty much the first time ever. and by ever... well, you know what i mean by ever. hyperbole has not occurred.
so i'll probably fall asleep at like 6am and wake up at midday and be like OH CRAP I'VE MISSED 2 COMPULSORY TUTES. as one is. how annoying.
?!?!?!?!
up since 8, after 5 hours sleep, was tired enough to sleep in comp lecture (not that that implies much tiredness)
ARGH
well i suppose it's good. am actually doing maths, like, the week before the test. for pretty much the first time ever. and by ever... well, you know what i mean by ever. hyperbole has not occurred.
so i'll probably fall asleep at like 6am and wake up at midday and be like OH CRAP I'VE MISSED 2 COMPULSORY TUTES. as one is. how annoying.
YAY... and hmm. yes, again. did you really expect something different?
YAY!!! RADS CALLED ME!!! it's so good to talk to her again. not sure what happened in the 3 weeks in between, but... who cares! at least i have proof she still exists. which, you know, sounds stupid, but... yeah. YAAAAAAYYY!!! HAPPYHAPPYHAPPY to hear from her ^_^
and to the hmm.
so, 'K~'... every time i've spoken to you this year, you've said something about leaving the past in the past, and something about things being intense. now you've told me you're taking a year off to refocus after the worst year of your life, and to think of the 3 things i would hate most to go through... and then said you're getting too emotional thinking about it and have to go to sleep. might i add, at 2 30am.
please let it not be your mum... i inadvertently stole your pen at some point in 2005... it's from the national palliative care program, and i doubt it was in your pencil case randomly, considering what you told me about her...
i know someone's voice screwed up last year - temporarily, though.
and i'm wondering if she's in major denial about how well she's coping. first it's all 'an intense summer/year/whatever, but nothing 'K~' can't handle', and now it's 'think of the 3 things you'd most hate to go through'. the two aren't mutually exclusive, but i... hope she's ok, i really do... funny, a 'yr 11' getting all protective about a 'yr 12' (cos that's what we are, really :P) but maybe not really all that funny, when you think about it...
so if anyone who reads or writes on this blog is running out of people to pray for... and worry about...
*manic laughter*
now clairesie, that was really quite uncalled for
and to the hmm.
so, 'K~'... every time i've spoken to you this year, you've said something about leaving the past in the past, and something about things being intense. now you've told me you're taking a year off to refocus after the worst year of your life, and to think of the 3 things i would hate most to go through... and then said you're getting too emotional thinking about it and have to go to sleep. might i add, at 2 30am.
please let it not be your mum... i inadvertently stole your pen at some point in 2005... it's from the national palliative care program, and i doubt it was in your pencil case randomly, considering what you told me about her...
i know someone's voice screwed up last year - temporarily, though.
and i'm wondering if she's in major denial about how well she's coping. first it's all 'an intense summer/year/whatever, but nothing 'K~' can't handle', and now it's 'think of the 3 things you'd most hate to go through'. the two aren't mutually exclusive, but i... hope she's ok, i really do... funny, a 'yr 11' getting all protective about a 'yr 12' (cos that's what we are, really :P) but maybe not really all that funny, when you think about it...
so if anyone who reads or writes on this blog is running out of people to pray for... and worry about...
*manic laughter*
now clairesie, that was really quite uncalled for
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
oops
hmm. turns out i'm not QUITE as indestructible as evidence had previously led me to believe. practically fainted at red cross stall today... as in, i couldn't hear or see properly and would've fallen over if i hadn't sat down quickly and curled up against a cold wall with a bottle of water. and i think one of the people working at the stall thought i was being slack. the other one noticed i looked sick though hehe.
so, note to self, it's a good idea to at least eat SOMETHING before climbing up the stairs to the library. oops.
anyway, ate dinner, and dessert, and chocolate, so all good now. :D hehehehehe hmm.
incidentally, that has NEVER happened before. i've felt like that once, that i can recall, which was just after a blood test. actually fell over then, on my way to sit down on a chair. but yeah.
but it's amazing... it's so easy to get worried and upset about things normally, but when very hungry, one is so delightfully vague... which i suppose is bad, because one is making oneself not care... but still, it's a nice break.
so, note to self, it's a good idea to at least eat SOMETHING before climbing up the stairs to the library. oops.
anyway, ate dinner, and dessert, and chocolate, so all good now. :D hehehehehe hmm.
incidentally, that has NEVER happened before. i've felt like that once, that i can recall, which was just after a blood test. actually fell over then, on my way to sit down on a chair. but yeah.
but it's amazing... it's so easy to get worried and upset about things normally, but when very hungry, one is so delightfully vague... which i suppose is bad, because one is making oneself not care... but still, it's a nice break.
Saturday, March 3, 2007
CANBERRA YAY meep
went home for weekend and SAW LOTS OF PEEPS which was GREAT and i've missed you all so much and it was really nice to see everyone.
sorry von, i'm going to have to run out of things to whinge about sooner or later, but for now...
EDIT: this doesn't matter so much any more. don't take any notice of this. am fine now.
mum was cranky at me for the whole weekend, except for the part where she was animatedly complaining about one of the contributors for the book of essays she's editing. i'm serious, the whole rest of the weekend she was cranky, and so i was cranky back at her, and it was all bad. she hasn't been sleeping well, though, so i can't really blame her... but still, it wasn't as much fun as i'd hoped the weekend would be.
also... went clubbing, under the pretense of being at bori's place, and had an awful time because i was mopey to begin with, had just had enormous fight with mum over something stupid before coming out, and then she started ringing me and stuff. lying to my mum is INCREDIBLY stressful. i don't think i can do it any more. i don't think i will. and it wasn't worth it anyway.
and... just before i left for sydney again, mum busted me for 'being down' and said she thought i hadn't been sleeping and had been 'starving myself', and stuff, again. i'll concede the sleeping one, but starving myself... what? i assure you, i don't have that kind of self-control. and she said i used to starve myself, but she only mentioned this this year. i lost 5 kg in the first term of yr 11, purely by skipping meals, and she didn't say a word. i don't get it. incidentally, after that i met kita, and ate far more frequently. bori was too easy to avoid hehe. but back to the point. do i
-look- like i'm starving myself to you? i'm going a 'no' on that one...
stresstimes:
mathsmathsmathsmathsmaths (not assumed knowledge, just everything else...!!!!!!)
mum thinks i'm sick/depressed/insomniac/anorexic (I'M NOT, SERIOUSLY)
no friends here :(
stupid 'choirboy' (as known to pri) who i'm definitely avoiding now...
sick peeps (R, R, J, anyone else?)
sad peeps (R, there must be more... 2xAs are ok atm i think, not so sure about another A...)
running out of money and credit and need a job
:( rads hasn't spoken to me since i bailed on her birthday... maybe it's just she's been uber busy and her msn's screwed up like before, but... i emailed her to explain too, and msged on the night... hehe i sound like a stalker, hey, whoops, maybe that's why...
PRIYAM'S LEAVING i know i can't talk cos i already left but... :(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
there we go. now clairesie is less stressed, but von is more stressed about clairesie. once again, an ethical dilemma about whether i should actually post this.
sorry von... *presses orange button*...
sorry von, i'm going to have to run out of things to whinge about sooner or later, but for now...
EDIT: this doesn't matter so much any more. don't take any notice of this. am fine now.
mum was cranky at me for the whole weekend, except for the part where she was animatedly complaining about one of the contributors for the book of essays she's editing. i'm serious, the whole rest of the weekend she was cranky, and so i was cranky back at her, and it was all bad. she hasn't been sleeping well, though, so i can't really blame her... but still, it wasn't as much fun as i'd hoped the weekend would be.
also... went clubbing, under the pretense of being at bori's place, and had an awful time because i was mopey to begin with, had just had enormous fight with mum over something stupid before coming out, and then she started ringing me and stuff. lying to my mum is INCREDIBLY stressful. i don't think i can do it any more. i don't think i will. and it wasn't worth it anyway.
and... just before i left for sydney again, mum busted me for 'being down' and said she thought i hadn't been sleeping and had been 'starving myself', and stuff, again. i'll concede the sleeping one, but starving myself... what? i assure you, i don't have that kind of self-control. and she said i used to starve myself, but she only mentioned this this year. i lost 5 kg in the first term of yr 11, purely by skipping meals, and she didn't say a word. i don't get it. incidentally, after that i met kita, and ate far more frequently. bori was too easy to avoid hehe. but back to the point. do i
-look- like i'm starving myself to you? i'm going a 'no' on that one...
stresstimes:
mathsmathsmathsmathsmaths (not assumed knowledge, just everything else...!!!!!!)
mum thinks i'm sick/depressed/insomniac/anorexic (I'M NOT, SERIOUSLY)
no friends here :(
stupid 'choirboy' (as known to pri) who i'm definitely avoiding now...
sick peeps (R, R, J, anyone else?)
sad peeps (R, there must be more... 2xAs are ok atm i think, not so sure about another A...)
running out of money and credit and need a job
:( rads hasn't spoken to me since i bailed on her birthday... maybe it's just she's been uber busy and her msn's screwed up like before, but... i emailed her to explain too, and msged on the night... hehe i sound like a stalker, hey, whoops, maybe that's why...
PRIYAM'S LEAVING i know i can't talk cos i already left but... :(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
there we go. now clairesie is less stressed, but von is more stressed about clairesie. once again, an ethical dilemma about whether i should actually post this.
sorry von... *presses orange button*...
Thursday, March 1, 2007
oh great... yep, von, another whinge post
to person 1:
i'm sorry, i'm just hopelessly, disgustingly, horrifically socially inept. i couldn't start a conversation to save my life. or probably even someone elses. i'm sorry to have ruined your evening so.
to person 2:
where were you?!?! i was really, really worried, and that meant i was even more socially inept, and i couldn't come up with anything other than 'i feel sick' to explain it. hope you had a great birthday though, and a great night out once you finally got there.
von, neither of these are directed at you. i'll explain some time when i'm less ARGH...
and great, someone started the rumour that it was a date, when i specifically told them it was a mutual friend's birthday celebration. joy. i'm thinking it's lucky i have an awful lot of maths to learn, alone, in my room....
erg
i'm sorry, i'm just hopelessly, disgustingly, horrifically socially inept. i couldn't start a conversation to save my life. or probably even someone elses. i'm sorry to have ruined your evening so.
to person 2:
where were you?!?! i was really, really worried, and that meant i was even more socially inept, and i couldn't come up with anything other than 'i feel sick' to explain it. hope you had a great birthday though, and a great night out once you finally got there.
von, neither of these are directed at you. i'll explain some time when i'm less ARGH...
and great, someone started the rumour that it was a date, when i specifically told them it was a mutual friend's birthday celebration. joy. i'm thinking it's lucky i have an awful lot of maths to learn, alone, in my room....
erg
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