if you thought the other posts were weird...

i don't get it... how is it that you can love someone so much, so very very much that you'd do pretty much anything for them, and still not be able to stop them from hurting?

it's so fundamental to being human, and yet i've never been able to understand it. probably never will.

just... thinking about the amount of emotional energy expended for some people because of some things... there must be some way to channel it into something that would actually help the situation, there must... mustn't there?

i wonder, if someone knew that the person they were talking to felt like they almost couldn't stand it, being filled with so much sadness and love for them... would it help?

would they believe it?

maybe all the love in the world can't fix some things... maybe some things can't be fixed... but that's the most horrible, cruel, condemning, forsaking idea in the world.

even if i could get my head around the first concept, and could accept that people are going to suffer no matter how much i care for them... it wouldn't be right to accept that. wouldn't you have moral issues just accepting that some people's lives are going to suck no matter what? the serenity to accept the things i cannot change... is all very well. but acceptance just seems too close to apathy...

look, i'm just tired and a bit sick and stressed out and overly emotional. i should NOT blog when i'm like this. this post is staying up for 48 hours only, and hopefully no-one sees it if they shouldn't.

Von, you'll probably laugh if i say this after all of that crap, but please don't worry, about me anyway. I'm fine. I'd be more fine if everyone else was fine too, but I'm well enough. I eat, I sleep, and walking is healthy. I cry, but only a little more than a normal amount. Which is understandable, cos i've just moved to the wrong city and started a course for which i have nowhere near the expected background knowledge. stress much? fine, i'm not crying about that, but... oh whatever. we must talk sometime. and i must work out what i can say :P

there's a girl here with anorexia. she's a 2nd year. her name is claire, too - spelt the right way. she's really nice, and she's in the college christian group, though she doesn't go to unichurch, possibly because there's supper afterwards, possibly for some other reason. i've only known her for a week, but seeing her, and seeing her flitting through the dining room at mealtimes, is really sad... wow, i need to grow a thicker skin, honestly. and stop collecting people to worry about. there are already too many.

*stamps in manner of petulant child* why can't i FIX them? it's NOT FAIR

...anyway, moving right along... for the record, it's almost 3, if that excuses my strangeness... no? oh... ok... well... goodnight...

byeeee love clairesie :)

stuff

sigh. college. ooh, giant cockroach.

just now, i'm really, really angry at Indian law. don't ask why. i just really am. looking at some of their laws, i actually feel kinda nauseous. mostly they're a great country, i'm sure, but looking at this... wow.

uni is weird. i slept through my first lecture ever. like, i woke up at 9 30 when it started at 9. actually kinda had a feeling that would happen. but yeah. was going to try and sneak in but there weren't any free seats near the door, so i didn't have the guts and just went and read the textbook in the library. same thing really, i'm sure.......?

got to stop crying in churchy type things. sometimes i almost want someone to notice and ask what's wrong, but i know if they did it would be awful. still. no-one's ever noticed. even boz walking back from boho chapel, or glebe people in house chapel. hehehe. actually i'm not entirely sure why that's funny.

whoops. this is the wrong blog for this type of mopey writing. i have an anonymous blog for that. but... oh whatever, can't be bothered to delete it now.

WHY AM I TIRED ALL THE TIME looks like it's caffeine addiction time again... hehehehehe

oh, and the food here is pretty crappy, and the whole uni is on a campus the approximate size of canberra (or seems like), on a gigantic hill. so THAT's why so many of the old girls are thin... hehe

discrete maths is interesting. it's like logic and stuff. i did well at that when we did it in IT...? but then the lecturer said even though the official prerequisite is >=100 in HSC 3unit maths, the course is pretty hard, so if you got less than 125 you should probably wait and do it next semester. considering that i haven't even done 3 unit maths, well or otherwise... hmm. oh well, i'll do my best i guess, whatevs.

anyway, byebyes, love clairesie :)

argh!

...i can't stop crying! it's weird.
well i mean i can stop, but just randomly start again all the time... you know.

i don't want to leave anymore! why am i going? what the hell? i'm an idiot

stuff isn't meant to change... and if i go i'll drift away from people, it's inevitable, and that's the most horrible thought in the world.

yup. i'm officially retarded.

anyway, bye guys, better go pack and stuff...

:(