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hello

meep

dearohdear

looking forward to sunday! :)

.....................................................................argh :( :( :( :( :(

hehehe. no, seriously, clairesie is heavier. that's ok, healthyness and lots of bike rides will help. clairesie will probably feel way happier, too, and sleep better and all that stuff. yay! looking forward to holidays...

byee.......

mip

:(

feels like getting upset would help... but then i'm upset and all by myself, that's great fun...

clairesie is sorry for posting such stupid crappy things to disturb the von. clairesie will be better when she fixes lifestyle etc. being tired and eating bad food makes people depressed, everyone know that. holidays will fix things.

and alice is stressed... i was going to pretend i wasn't online (see, i'm a horrible girl, some people would be surprised) but didn't, probably lucky huh...

hehehe college food... today it seemed to be based around a theme of 'rice'. rice as always at the vegetables end of the servery, then the vegetarian dish was in fact rice with a few mushrooms, and dessert was apparently rice pudding.

also

hahaha just an addition to that last post, though....
what's the bet clairesie falls over at some point during this 9 hour shift? hehehehe
...not that funny, really. i'm sure no-one else would find it funny. as funny as i do, anyway. maybe i am insane. maybe rads is right to be freaked out.

no, rads is never right to be freaked out. cos that could have a bad effect on her. ditto von.

*coughDOUBLESTANDARDMUCH?!?!?!?!?!cough*

yes, clairesie, that's nice. good day to you.

eww

clairesie's got fat
pretty sure that's related to the HUNDRED THOUSAND ENERGY DRINKS SHES CONSUMED THIS WEEK
no more of those. ...well, after monday arvo.
ewwwwwwwwwwwww :( :( :(

good. another reason to quit with the crazyshizzle. looking forward to detoxing from caffeine in holidays, because with no chocolate and no energy drinks... why, clairesie might even start to look like a human-shaped blob again! twill be exciting.

ARGH MCDONALDS it would've been better if i'd kept the 8-3am shift, instead of this one that starts at 6am. at least then it would've been just the one allnighter.......... i mean.... what.......? nah s'ok, not a real double allnighter. ooh! in 36 hours clairesie can come back to college and sleep!!! EXCITEMENT!!!!! omgomgomg. omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg. i should clean my room now so that my hibernation can occur in a pleasant environment. cos i won't get anything done in like half an hour now. silly clairesie for wasting so much time... anyway, yes. good morning! happy sunday!

ALSO... i'm in canberra for the family and friends service next sunday! that's exciting too :) tee hee. anyway, going now, bye!

worried? nooooooooo...

eek why is she worried about me? :(

caffeine never killed anyone unless they meant it to. lethal dose is 80 cups of coffee. you don't accidentally have that much. i mean, ew. and this has been a learning experience. eat too much nodoz -> feel like puking in the morning. i didn't know that before. now i do. and now all my nodoz is in the bin, too.

anyway.. 'going through so much shit'... am i? really? ...that she knows about?
*suspicious* rads? are you reading this? argh people and their knowledge...

I. AM. FINE. PLEASE BELIEVE THAT, EVERYONE. I WHINGE A LOT. I MAKE BIG DEALS OUT OF NOTHING. THAT IS WHAT I DO, BECAUSE I WANT ATTENTION. YES? YES.

just because i never plan to sleep doesn't mean i don't.
just because i rarely plan to eat doesn't mean i don't.
just because i work strange hours doesn't mean i don't have time for anything (though if i'm avoiding you, why yes, it does. but that doesn't apply to anyone who might be reading this.)
just because i get upset doesn't mean i'm always sad. crazy mood swings, anyone?
just because i've been having a lot of caffeine lately doesn't mean that i'm permanently addicted, or that it's going to hurt me, or even that i sleep or eat less than i should.
my face is pale purely because i've been in my room for the last few days
i have spots because i've been living on junk food
my legs hurt when i was half-running to the exam (a freaking long way away) because i haven't done any exercise in far too long
i'm nervous or anxious a lot because of too much caffeine and stress from exams/everything
i'm upset sometimes from that. who isn't?
my back's sore cos my shoulders live next to my ears at the moment
i talk a lot on the internet because i don't talk much to people here

is any of that particularly worrying?

...but ok, yeah, i'm losing the plot a little bit. not badly enough that people should worry about me. i know what to do to get back on track, and i'm going to. i'll be alright, i promise. sometimes, yeah, i get a bit messed up, but i notice, and work out that i should do something about it. always eventually.

i'm so sorry, though. SO sorry. i can't explain how much. i honestly am very angry at myself for making people worry. yargh.

not that angry, though. it's ok. just angry enough to do something about it.

sorry :(

meeeeeeeeeep

people caring makes me nervous
people asking questions that show they know exactly everything about me without me saying a word makes me nervous (especially when i haven't spoken to them much)

the good thing about mcdonalds is that everyone's nice, but no-one cares

went to dinner and saw the worst 2 people in the world to see at the moment - my bible study leader, and my phd friend who is scarily like mrs morris. they asked how exams were going, and did i have the maths one the other day? and i couldn't lie to them...

and now bec (yeah, name's the same too) says she's happy to coach me for the supplementary exams if the maths department will let me take them, and... freakin... yargh. honestly, stuff would be so much simpler if i just took the stupid courses again. i think i should. i really don't understand even the most basic of stuff, and there's not a chance i'll understand it properly in a couple of weeks, and the plan is made, can i just stick with it...?

(but that would involve telling her about the IT/arts at anu, which involves FAR too much explaining and i just don't want to get into it, because i don't want the opposition which is inevitable from anyone here...)

and christine looks worried about me. she didn't say anything in particular, but... i don't know.

why does the idea that someone knows stuff about me scare me so much?

GO AWAY YOU PEOPLE WHO CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH ME i don't like it i don't like it :(

...can i just go to sleep now?

really, REALLY anxious and hyperactive. i don't have a clue why. haven't overdosed on caffeine today *further annoyed at self* maybe i should. YEAH GREAT PLAN DO THAT NOW. NOT. no caffeine for clairesie.

:(

(sorry, this mood will pass. clairesie should not blog at only times when she feels like crap.)

gragh

i totally wasn't posting on helena's facebook at 5 13am
and i totally didn't get a call from mcdonalds at 6 15 am to ask if i could please please come work asap (which i did, because far out, i think that manager's been there for about 36 hours straight)... i think she thought i was awake when i answered the phone... that's a skill i've developed so mum doesn't kill me, hehe...

i did sleep. i swear i did. just not for long, that's all. people can survive on an hour. and now the thought of more caffeine makes me queasy, and sleeping would make me ridiculously messed up with regard to inappropriate nocturnalism, so i guess i'll just be in a weird state of vague until further notice, yes? yes. ok. awesome. who am i talking to? no-one. good good.

the ritalin effect

written at around.. 5 30? 6?
{
von... i know some of the stuff in this post sounds crazy, but i promise you i'm ok. please don't worry about anything you read. i am ok. it sounds like i'm not, but.. please believe me?

but yeah...

something that's really weird is... you know how caffeine's a stimulant, right? but i just took 4 nodoz at once (400mg, equiv 4 cups coffee, sort of), half an hour ago, and i could go to sleep right now if i lie down. this always happens. it seems like an awesome idea to have a lot of caffeine at once, for strange crazy reasons - i'm generally upset and anxious at the time - and so i do, and contrary to expectations, don't get hyper - just fall asleep.

i'm wondering if it's similar to ritalin.. like, kids with ADD get distracted and hyper really easily because their brains are actually working slower than they should, and that's why ritalin (which is essentially cocaine i think, people sell it on the streets as a stimulant) helps them to concentrate.

cos how the hell else does caffeine freaking HELP ME SLEEP?

and it's only when i'm in that weird state of mind that i ever have more than 100-200mg at a time, too. cos it is a pretty stupid idea, as a rule. have you ever been in the kind of weird, mildly self-destructive mood where stupid ideas seem quite tempting? no? good.

this is kinda bad though. i keep thinking... hey, let's see what happens if i take more, let's see how many i have to take to feel sick... and yeah, claire, that's REALLY smart, get f-cked up on caffeine 2 days before your exam that you know nothing for, great plan, let's do that now.

it's not dangerous. it would take a crapload to make me actually sick. but i'm weird. that's all.

just seems kind of scary that i look at the back of a bottle of pills, read 'dosage: 1 tablet. no repeat dose within 3 hours. no more than 6 should be taken within 24 hours'... and think... let's take 4 in a row. or last year took 7 in the space of 2 hours or so. and then, of course, fell asleep.. like.. what the?

meep. clairesie is a little odd.
}

written at 12 15 the next morning
{
actually had to get rads to tell me i wasn't allowed any more, around 8. because i was thinking stuff like 'another 4 won't hurt. try it. it takes 10 grams to kill someone, that's a whole bottle, there's no way it'll hurt me to take a couple more, you're such an attention seeker, try and at least do some actual damage before you bitch about it' and by 'you' i mean me etc

but yeah. one msn msg from her and i threw the container out of arms reach. so am i an attention seeker, or am i an attention seeker? and why won't i listen to myself when i know the right answer, but i'll obey someone blindly when they say something i asked them to say?

clairesie = freak. lame, huh.

but over that now. for the moment. you know. whatevs. sick of self-talk, it's mega annoying.
}

and done. study time. since the pills have finally worn off. my goodness that sounds sick. clairesie isn't as crazy as she sounds, is she?

dead

im tired and i just want to go home, can i?
it's ok, i can sleep tonight, and then everything'll be ok again. fricken 7 hours at mcdonalds though... :(
i'm scared i'm going to just randomly burst into tears somewhere inappropriate. like at mcdonalds. argh. for no reason, i just feel kinda crappy and have been sleeping pretty crappily too

hmm i always write blogs and never remember to post them. its now 630pm as opposed to 830 am. what was originally 5 hours which had turned into 7 by then, turned into 9 by the end. lame. at least i get money. yes. lots of money with which to annoy von by buying her stuff. excellent :)

but i'm tired and have done no study at all today, and i'm going to fail everything, which will be sad. :(

the plan

i may have worked something out.

stay at college this semester. i can pay half. well, pay back to my dad half.
take the 2 maths courses again (cos i refuse to leave them failed, especially since i've half-learnt them)
take the next computing course (assuming i pass this one fingers crossed) and take an indeterminate arts course primarily because it -isn't- maths or computing :P

next year, back to canberra; enrol in IT/arts at anu. i've looked at the program, it looks heaps less disgusting than softeng/arts did. much less maths. like, 1 course in the 4 years. i think. and its half-half with arts, instead of 'just do arts courses in your electives and we'll give you a degree' sort of thing.

maybe it's pointless staying for another semester and doing courses i might not be able to count towards anything, but it's really too late now to change, and i haven't done uac, and i have a feeling that starting a program in the middle of the year would really throw me...

what do you think?

shouldn't worry. there's nothing i can do about it. and she specifically told me i wasn't to freak out. but..

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRGGHH *cries*

dearohdearohdearohdearohdearohdear

meep. anyway. some people's lives suck. it was weird, as the bus came into canberra, i just thought.. there are 2 houses with people who really don't want to be there in them at the moment.. and clearly there are heaps more people in that situation, but..

anyway. yes. off to see amelia soon! yaayayayayayyay

*tired*

didn't get youthallowance, which sucks

told mum, she was like 'hmm... meh, didn't expect to get it anyway'

told dad, he was like 'hmm... meh, didn't expect to get it anyway'

asked him if it, like, meant anything, like regarding where i could afford to live next semester, and he was like... it doesn't necessarily mean anything in particular at the moment, in the longer term probably, but for now not really...

(which is completely different to what i'd heard he'd said to mum about how i should apply to anu cos i can't afford to live here without the support)

and... that's good, right, but always always always someone's saying something like 'we can't afford to live past the end of next week' (exaggeration) or whatever, and then whatever it is NEVER happens, but i'm still always stressing about whether i have to move back or whatever for financial reasons, or when i was at school it was whether i'd have to change school (not so much in senior, cos i never spoke to my parents then hehe) and they were talking about my brother changing school cos his is ridiculously expensive, and that was bad cos he's changed school so much etc... but i'm pretty sure that's not going to happen, either.

i just wish they'd either say something when it was actually going to happen, or not say it at all. that's all.

and yes, i ate today. a large skim latte with cinnamon, a carrot & avocado sushi roll, and a little bread thing. and i was about to say i was going to eat dinner, but that sounds like a lot, put like that...
(ohshutupclairegoeatsaladfoooooool)
(sorry von)
(*goes to dinner*)

d-_-b

i'm going to go deaf

i've got to stop listening to headphones this loud

mrs tatchell would be disgusted...

...

loud music can drown out andrew. that was good.

wonder how loud it would have to go to drown out brains...