(von, i don't expect you to read all of this... it's more a 'clairesie sorting out thoughts' than a 'von must know all of this'... but, you know, if you're really bored, feel free... :P)
f*ck
saskia's getting pretty sick
not horribly-thin-wise (my height, low 50s), but.. she can't bring herself to eat any more, and is so utterly convinced that she's ugly and fat...
and the less she ate the worse she felt, last time we talked
and the time before, she was feeling a little better... argh
when someone has a psychological problem, it's different to medical. medical, you need knowledge and understanding, to understand what's wrong, knowledge of how the body works and how something could've gone wrong, and also knowledge of how to fix it. but you also need medicines, or operating tools, or whatever.
i would never expect myself to be able to cure a medical problem.
psychological though, with the exception of antidepressants or antipsychotic drugs (and here we're venturing into medical mental problems, chemical imbalance, different from thought-pattern-type-things..)...
psychological problems can only really be dealt with using the knowledge and understanding.
so here's the thing. i've done a ridiculous amount of research on various psychological things relevant to people i care about, particularly on eating disorders, self-harm, and nightmares etc. i've also spent a fair amount of time looking at forums and support sites for eating disorders and self-harm, and even some pro-ana stuff. i'm also, excuse me blowing my own horn, but i believe i'm a fairly empathetic girl, or at least i have a pretty good imagination. so i have a lot of knowledge about this stuff, and (i think) a fair degree of understanding. in some cases, perhaps more understanding than some psychologists, who've only looked at textbooks..
so why am i so ridiculously useless at helping people? why am i still left with 'you need to talk to someone...' which i clearly didn't say, because she wouldn't listen and probably just distance herself from me. cos it does sound like 'i can't help you, go be someone else's problem', just a bit...
'i'm fat n ugly'
'no ur not! ur beautiful and so thin, i wish i was as thin as u'
'thnx but im really not'
'u so are!' etc (this isn't a real quote btw, but general gist)
so on the topic of 'saskia's fat and ugly' i'm reduced to an 'are not' 'am too' 'are not' 'am too' conversation. i fail at life.
well after a bit it seemed pointless, i said instead something about her being a really sweet girl and i wish she was happier, that turned into a bit of the same as above (except 'are too' 'am not' :P), though like in both instances i was backing up my side, she was just like 'thnx but im really not'... but i mean it hardly matters, what matters is how she feels, and reassurance and stuff can only do so much for her. also, i'm some really nice person on the net but i've never seen her in real life and i've spoken to her like 4 times, so i guess if she doesn't think i'm the most convincing source in the world on her personal and physical qualities, i sort of understand hehe.
there must be something i can say that will help. i've read half the stuff on the internet on anorexia, and that's a crapload. i've read rants, diaries, other random forum posts, by some people who are so sick everyone frantically asks after them when they don't go online for a few days. and by some people who are just going through day by day, hating themselves, starving themselves, or throwing up multiple times a day. and some people who go on anorexia sites and are like 'hey i need to lose 20 lb for da summer how do i get anroexia? i need 2 b thinn!!!1' and that's just really disturbingly sad and weird. some have been hurt, many have problems with their mother, many are gymnasts or dancers, some are just randoms who hate themselves for some reason or no reason and this is how it shows.
some have been in IP (inpatient) several times. others never have - either they're too good at fooling, or don't live near friends/family, or they just manage to never get that sick. some cut or burn, some have attempted suicide or want to, some use drugs, some have diabetes and screw with their insulin to lose weight, many have health problems of some kind, and all are really sad for some reason. some weigh approximately nothing, many are underweight or normal weight, some are over or obese (generally the other EDs though). a lot are in college/highschool, some are younger, some are mothers. they're all really kind to each other, invariably. not to someone they think is a troll, and sometimes a comment is made that's true and needed to be said even though the recipient might not want to hear it, but otherwise...
surely reading all this must give me a bit of insight. but no, i can't help anyone. mum has a friend who's anorexic. he quite obviously weighs less than i do, never eats and rides his bike everywhere. mum asked me for advice. (what's wrong with that sentence? mum asked me for advice on how to help this guy at uni who's anorexic... well there's nothing wrong with it, but you know, there are more common situations hehe)
i think the point of this blog was, i know i'm expecting more of myself in a night than what is expected of a psychologist over months. there is nothing i can say to this girl that will cure her anorexia. there's hardly anything i can say that will even make her feel better, because nothing i can say can change her appearance which is there with her all the time.
i can't make her better and, as usual, it's driving me insane... hehe :P
i should go to sleep i guess. thanks for listening.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
ARGH IE7 IS THE DEVIL
[rant]
ok, so generally when a program automatically downloads itself, installs itself, and then stops you from using your computer as well as you could before, you'd call that a VIRUS, wouldn't you...
but microsoft clearly know everything about everything, particularly that you REALLY want to spontaneously install the new version of IE whether or not you THINK you do.
and also that the maths part of the UNSW course website is actually a phishing site or somehow insecure because it has the wrong certificate, so it should clearly BLOCK it...
and then refer you to help, which isn't even displayed on the toolbar any more, it's off on some extension bit you have to search for, and then the gist of the help file is 'we know better than you. if we block something, clearly it's trying to kill you. anything without a valid certificate or with an error of any description was actually made by al Qaeda and/or Satan. just trust us. you don't have to think ever again, nice microsoft will protect you and make you feel nice and safe and warm while we steal your soul and your ability to think for yourself. even if you used to go to this site all the time before, and it was made by your university, don't be fooled. your computer will spontaneously combust if you look at it now. also, here, have this paper spoon so it won't hurt you if you stick it in your eye.'
[/rant]
ok so maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration. and then after a bit the bar at the top came up letting me view the site anyway, thank goodness, i thought i would have to revert my computer to a week ago to get rid of this stupid thing.
but what's annoying is that it didn't even ask me if i wanted to install this. i just shut down my computer, it said it was installing updates, nothing about a whole new program update. with tabs that it clearly stole from firefox. how did they not get sued over that?
anyway, yes, done :P
ok, so generally when a program automatically downloads itself, installs itself, and then stops you from using your computer as well as you could before, you'd call that a VIRUS, wouldn't you...
but microsoft clearly know everything about everything, particularly that you REALLY want to spontaneously install the new version of IE whether or not you THINK you do.
and also that the maths part of the UNSW course website is actually a phishing site or somehow insecure because it has the wrong certificate, so it should clearly BLOCK it...
and then refer you to help, which isn't even displayed on the toolbar any more, it's off on some extension bit you have to search for, and then the gist of the help file is 'we know better than you. if we block something, clearly it's trying to kill you. anything without a valid certificate or with an error of any description was actually made by al Qaeda and/or Satan. just trust us. you don't have to think ever again, nice microsoft will protect you and make you feel nice and safe and warm while we steal your soul and your ability to think for yourself. even if you used to go to this site all the time before, and it was made by your university, don't be fooled. your computer will spontaneously combust if you look at it now. also, here, have this paper spoon so it won't hurt you if you stick it in your eye.'
[/rant]
ok so maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration. and then after a bit the bar at the top came up letting me view the site anyway, thank goodness, i thought i would have to revert my computer to a week ago to get rid of this stupid thing.
but what's annoying is that it didn't even ask me if i wanted to install this. i just shut down my computer, it said it was installing updates, nothing about a whole new program update. with tabs that it clearly stole from firefox. how did they not get sued over that?
anyway, yes, done :P
Friday, May 4, 2007
pri has convinced me...
that health should be at least a moderate concern in one's life.
so... will write down stuff, so i'm sort of vaguely accountable maybe. just till i get bored hehe.
slept at 3, woke at 8, dozed till about 10 though.
ate a green apple and a little olive bread roll (yum) and took capsules a bit after 11
drank half a mtfranklin size bottle of water
and now i'm going to study. will have lunch around 1 30 so i can take capsules with it and it won't be too soon after 'breakfast' hehe. and am probably going to dinner with family at pizza place, which won't be so healthy.. maybe i can get away with a salad or something. we'll see.
will update later :P
so... will write down stuff, so i'm sort of vaguely accountable maybe. just till i get bored hehe.
slept at 3, woke at 8, dozed till about 10 though.
ate a green apple and a little olive bread roll (yum) and took capsules a bit after 11
drank half a mtfranklin size bottle of water
and now i'm going to study. will have lunch around 1 30 so i can take capsules with it and it won't be too soon after 'breakfast' hehe. and am probably going to dinner with family at pizza place, which won't be so healthy.. maybe i can get away with a salad or something. we'll see.
will update later :P
ooer...
interesting day today
tell me when you'll be online, better to explain in 'person' rather than just leave a blog about it.. you'll understand when i tell you, hehe.
everything's ok. just an interesting experience. pri has yelled at me about it extensively hehe..
tell me when you'll be online, better to explain in 'person' rather than just leave a blog about it.. you'll understand when i tell you, hehe.
everything's ok. just an interesting experience. pri has yelled at me about it extensively hehe..
Thursday, May 3, 2007
whoa..
xanga-hopping...
came across a strange one all about anorexia, with like thinspiration and everything..
opened the 'diary' link and the last post is 'i'm sorry to have to tell you all this, but jenni has died' (jenni being the xanga-owner..)
the second last post is words to the effect of 'this is jenni's ana buddy. jenni's in hospital, she was hit by a car because she was so vague and they don't know if she'll make it because she was already so sick...'
the third last post was presumably jenni herself, talking about how she thinks she's going to have to try and put on a bit of weight because she weighs 89lb, has pressure sores, and has been shaking for weeks..
so sad.. she might have got a bit better, and avoided it all, but..
dearohdear. dearohdearohdear. poor girl :(
mum was asking my advice on what to do about this guy in her building at the uni who's pretty clearly anorexic (as in, looks literally like a skeleton, rides a bike everywhere, and never eats anything..)
...what can you do? unless you prove him legally insane, which one probably could do, but.. though, i guess, to save a life..
came across a strange one all about anorexia, with like thinspiration and everything..
opened the 'diary' link and the last post is 'i'm sorry to have to tell you all this, but jenni has died' (jenni being the xanga-owner..)
the second last post is words to the effect of 'this is jenni's ana buddy. jenni's in hospital, she was hit by a car because she was so vague and they don't know if she'll make it because she was already so sick...'
the third last post was presumably jenni herself, talking about how she thinks she's going to have to try and put on a bit of weight because she weighs 89lb, has pressure sores, and has been shaking for weeks..
so sad.. she might have got a bit better, and avoided it all, but..
dearohdear. dearohdearohdear. poor girl :(
mum was asking my advice on what to do about this guy in her building at the uni who's pretty clearly anorexic (as in, looks literally like a skeleton, rides a bike everywhere, and never eats anything..)
...what can you do? unless you prove him legally insane, which one probably could do, but.. though, i guess, to save a life..
interestingness
today went to unsw christian students (aka christian stalker society, cos they ring me when i don't turn up :P). usually go on wednesdays, but couldn't cos of ridiculous amount of maths to be learnt. which didn't end up being learnt. that was sad. but anyway, i digress..
they've been looking at the properties of manna since the start of the year, and it's really quite interesting. what happens is this guy gives a sort of a lecture for about 40 minutes (but he's a really good speaker, it's interesting) and then we start talking about stuff in groups, and eventually.. like when i left today they were talking about horse books they used to read hehe.
BUT if i can get to the point without any further tangents...
one of the properties of manna is apparently that it's transparent, like an eye. and apparently we're meant to strive to be completely transparent and honest and so on, fair enough.. but by extension, it's wrong to hide problems and to pretend stuff's ok etc. ..huh? and they were saying people hide things like that because they're being prideful, and want to think they're special, and want to keep some part of themselves hidden from the world.
mum keeps telling me it's horrible of others to tell me their problems. (it is at those times that i *ahem* disagree with my mother's point of view, and hold her in perhaps less esteem than i should...) she says that sharing stuff just makes everyone else miserable. and i mean that attitude's clearly doing her a lot of good, cos she's so, you know, emotionally healthy and so on. but... ARGH. surely it's not 'being prideful' to decide 'they probably don't want to know this' when deciding whether to answer 'ok' or 'shit' to a casual 'how are you'...
i'm exaggerating. and i've contradicted myself several times. and i still don't know what point i'm trying to make. just, you know, thinking, hehe
and.. i mean.. telling peeps about probs is good, i think.. like, clearly, there's heaps of examples...
and i'm really sorry but i'm far too vague to continue writing this, i've lost track of everything i was saying and can't be bothered to read it all. so perhaps a revision, or a part 2, tomorrow...
they've been looking at the properties of manna since the start of the year, and it's really quite interesting. what happens is this guy gives a sort of a lecture for about 40 minutes (but he's a really good speaker, it's interesting) and then we start talking about stuff in groups, and eventually.. like when i left today they were talking about horse books they used to read hehe.
BUT if i can get to the point without any further tangents...
one of the properties of manna is apparently that it's transparent, like an eye. and apparently we're meant to strive to be completely transparent and honest and so on, fair enough.. but by extension, it's wrong to hide problems and to pretend stuff's ok etc. ..huh? and they were saying people hide things like that because they're being prideful, and want to think they're special, and want to keep some part of themselves hidden from the world.
mum keeps telling me it's horrible of others to tell me their problems. (it is at those times that i *ahem* disagree with my mother's point of view, and hold her in perhaps less esteem than i should...) she says that sharing stuff just makes everyone else miserable. and i mean that attitude's clearly doing her a lot of good, cos she's so, you know, emotionally healthy and so on. but... ARGH. surely it's not 'being prideful' to decide 'they probably don't want to know this' when deciding whether to answer 'ok' or 'shit' to a casual 'how are you'...
i'm exaggerating. and i've contradicted myself several times. and i still don't know what point i'm trying to make. just, you know, thinking, hehe
and.. i mean.. telling peeps about probs is good, i think.. like, clearly, there's heaps of examples...
and i'm really sorry but i'm far too vague to continue writing this, i've lost track of everything i was saying and can't be bothered to read it all. so perhaps a revision, or a part 2, tomorrow...
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
erg
(tuesday night/wednesday morning sometime. before 2am.)
von... clairesie's weird... and sad... and insane... and she misses everyone, a lot, and feels quite alone here, but can't honestly say she'd be a lot happier anywhere else, (edit: all the time, certainly being around friends would help at times) and... sigh.
saying that clairesie feels like this all the time would be a lie.
(wednesday at 11 35pm)
thank goodness...
clairesie woke up at 7 and still felt awful, fell asleep again just in time for her maths lecture hehe
dunno what was wrong. like apart from msgs, and peeps being sick, but.. that's not that unusual, and clairesie isn't usually that bad. how strange.
...claire, it doesn't matter how many times you test it, when hand attacks kneebone, kneebone is inevitably going to win. and hand will look inappropriate if you don't get rid of that reflex. bad reflex. bad.
i'm such a caffeine emo :P this happened so often in yr 12, i'd drink too much coffee, feel awful, and go to sleep (or half-sleep occasionally when caffeine was sufficient) just so i didn't have to be awake. hence so little schoolwork got done hehe. and hence bori pulled more real allnighters than i did in semester 2. weird, huh.
von... clairesie's weird... and sad... and insane... and she misses everyone, a lot, and feels quite alone here, but can't honestly say she'd be a lot happier anywhere else, (edit: all the time, certainly being around friends would help at times) and... sigh.
saying that clairesie feels like this all the time would be a lie.
(wednesday at 11 35pm)
thank goodness...
clairesie woke up at 7 and still felt awful, fell asleep again just in time for her maths lecture hehe
dunno what was wrong. like apart from msgs, and peeps being sick, but.. that's not that unusual, and clairesie isn't usually that bad. how strange.
...claire, it doesn't matter how many times you test it, when hand attacks kneebone, kneebone is inevitably going to win. and hand will look inappropriate if you don't get rid of that reflex. bad reflex. bad.
i'm such a caffeine emo :P this happened so often in yr 12, i'd drink too much coffee, feel awful, and go to sleep (or half-sleep occasionally when caffeine was sufficient) just so i didn't have to be awake. hence so little schoolwork got done hehe. and hence bori pulled more real allnighters than i did in semester 2. weird, huh.
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