anorexia. i could definitely get enough of this topic.

(von, i don't expect you to read all of this... it's more a 'clairesie sorting out thoughts' than a 'von must know all of this'... but, you know, if you're really bored, feel free... :P)

f*ck

saskia's getting pretty sick

not horribly-thin-wise (my height, low 50s), but.. she can't bring herself to eat any more, and is so utterly convinced that she's ugly and fat...

and the less she ate the worse she felt, last time we talked

and the time before, she was feeling a little better... argh

when someone has a psychological problem, it's different to medical. medical, you need knowledge and understanding, to understand what's wrong, knowledge of how the body works and how something could've gone wrong, and also knowledge of how to fix it. but you also need medicines, or operating tools, or whatever.

i would never expect myself to be able to cure a medical problem.

psychological though, with the exception of antidepressants or antipsychotic drugs (and here we're venturing into medical mental problems, chemical imbalance, different from thought-pattern-type-things..)...
psychological problems can only really be dealt with using the knowledge and understanding.

so here's the thing. i've done a ridiculous amount of research on various psychological things relevant to people i care about, particularly on eating disorders, self-harm, and nightmares etc. i've also spent a fair amount of time looking at forums and support sites for eating disorders and self-harm, and even some pro-ana stuff. i'm also, excuse me blowing my own horn, but i believe i'm a fairly empathetic girl, or at least i have a pretty good imagination. so i have a lot of knowledge about this stuff, and (i think) a fair degree of understanding. in some cases, perhaps more understanding than some psychologists, who've only looked at textbooks..

so why am i so ridiculously useless at helping people? why am i still left with 'you need to talk to someone...' which i clearly didn't say, because she wouldn't listen and probably just distance herself from me. cos it does sound like 'i can't help you, go be someone else's problem', just a bit...

'i'm fat n ugly'

'no ur not! ur beautiful and so thin, i wish i was as thin as u'

'thnx but im really not'

'u so are!' etc (this isn't a real quote btw, but general gist)

so on the topic of 'saskia's fat and ugly' i'm reduced to an 'are not' 'am too' 'are not' 'am too' conversation. i fail at life.

well after a bit it seemed pointless, i said instead something about her being a really sweet girl and i wish she was happier, that turned into a bit of the same as above (except 'are too' 'am not' :P), though like in both instances i was backing up my side, she was just like 'thnx but im really not'... but i mean it hardly matters, what matters is how she feels, and reassurance and stuff can only do so much for her. also, i'm some really nice person on the net but i've never seen her in real life and i've spoken to her like 4 times, so i guess if she doesn't think i'm the most convincing source in the world on her personal and physical qualities, i sort of understand hehe.

there must be something i can say that will help. i've read half the stuff on the internet on anorexia, and that's a crapload. i've read rants, diaries, other random forum posts, by some people who are so sick everyone frantically asks after them when they don't go online for a few days. and by some people who are just going through day by day, hating themselves, starving themselves, or throwing up multiple times a day. and some people who go on anorexia sites and are like 'hey i need to lose 20 lb for da summer how do i get anroexia? i need 2 b thinn!!!1' and that's just really disturbingly sad and weird. some have been hurt, many have problems with their mother, many are gymnasts or dancers, some are just randoms who hate themselves for some reason or no reason and this is how it shows.

some have been in IP (inpatient) several times. others never have - either they're too good at fooling, or don't live near friends/family, or they just manage to never get that sick. some cut or burn, some have attempted suicide or want to, some use drugs, some have diabetes and screw with their insulin to lose weight, many have health problems of some kind, and all are really sad for some reason. some weigh approximately nothing, many are underweight or normal weight, some are over or obese (generally the other EDs though). a lot are in college/highschool, some are younger, some are mothers. they're all really kind to each other, invariably. not to someone they think is a troll, and sometimes a comment is made that's true and needed to be said even though the recipient might not want to hear it, but otherwise...

surely reading all this must give me a bit of insight. but no, i can't help anyone. mum has a friend who's anorexic. he quite obviously weighs less than i do, never eats and rides his bike everywhere. mum asked me for advice. (what's wrong with that sentence? mum asked me for advice on how to help this guy at uni who's anorexic... well there's nothing wrong with it, but you know, there are more common situations hehe)

i think the point of this blog was, i know i'm expecting more of myself in a night than what is expected of a psychologist over months. there is nothing i can say to this girl that will cure her anorexia. there's hardly anything i can say that will even make her feel better, because nothing i can say can change her appearance which is there with her all the time.

i can't make her better and, as usual, it's driving me insane... hehe :P

i should go to sleep i guess. thanks for listening.