the ritalin effect

written at around.. 5 30? 6?
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von... i know some of the stuff in this post sounds crazy, but i promise you i'm ok. please don't worry about anything you read. i am ok. it sounds like i'm not, but.. please believe me?

but yeah...

something that's really weird is... you know how caffeine's a stimulant, right? but i just took 4 nodoz at once (400mg, equiv 4 cups coffee, sort of), half an hour ago, and i could go to sleep right now if i lie down. this always happens. it seems like an awesome idea to have a lot of caffeine at once, for strange crazy reasons - i'm generally upset and anxious at the time - and so i do, and contrary to expectations, don't get hyper - just fall asleep.

i'm wondering if it's similar to ritalin.. like, kids with ADD get distracted and hyper really easily because their brains are actually working slower than they should, and that's why ritalin (which is essentially cocaine i think, people sell it on the streets as a stimulant) helps them to concentrate.

cos how the hell else does caffeine freaking HELP ME SLEEP?

and it's only when i'm in that weird state of mind that i ever have more than 100-200mg at a time, too. cos it is a pretty stupid idea, as a rule. have you ever been in the kind of weird, mildly self-destructive mood where stupid ideas seem quite tempting? no? good.

this is kinda bad though. i keep thinking... hey, let's see what happens if i take more, let's see how many i have to take to feel sick... and yeah, claire, that's REALLY smart, get f-cked up on caffeine 2 days before your exam that you know nothing for, great plan, let's do that now.

it's not dangerous. it would take a crapload to make me actually sick. but i'm weird. that's all.

just seems kind of scary that i look at the back of a bottle of pills, read 'dosage: 1 tablet. no repeat dose within 3 hours. no more than 6 should be taken within 24 hours'... and think... let's take 4 in a row. or last year took 7 in the space of 2 hours or so. and then, of course, fell asleep.. like.. what the?

meep. clairesie is a little odd.
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written at 12 15 the next morning
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actually had to get rads to tell me i wasn't allowed any more, around 8. because i was thinking stuff like 'another 4 won't hurt. try it. it takes 10 grams to kill someone, that's a whole bottle, there's no way it'll hurt me to take a couple more, you're such an attention seeker, try and at least do some actual damage before you bitch about it' and by 'you' i mean me etc

but yeah. one msn msg from her and i threw the container out of arms reach. so am i an attention seeker, or am i an attention seeker? and why won't i listen to myself when i know the right answer, but i'll obey someone blindly when they say something i asked them to say?

clairesie = freak. lame, huh.

but over that now. for the moment. you know. whatevs. sick of self-talk, it's mega annoying.
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and done. study time. since the pills have finally worn off. my goodness that sounds sick. clairesie isn't as crazy as she sounds, is she?